"Burnt Letters" by Joy Rajan

 To my dearest,

It has been such an eventful time here in Australia. Or The Land Down Under as the locals call it. I must confess that though it has its beauty, Australia is not home. The heat and the humidity is rather overwhelming at times. O my dear how I miss England. And most of all I miss you! I hope you are well and with all my heart I wish I was in your arms. I cannot believe how far the world has come. We have been so tormented by war, hate, death, and sorrow; it is so hard to believe that life has started up again. Well my letter has to be brief I'm afraid. I will write to you soon that I can safely promise you. I cannot believe how long it has been since I left home and tomorrow I will be returning to you. Be happy my love, do not grieve any longer. I will return. All I ask is that you pray for my safe return.

Love you always

            I placed the letter down. I had to burn it but I couldn't. We both knew that our secret love could never come to light.

            I looked over at the fire place that my maid just put on. I watched her leave and made my way over to it. Reluctantly I placed the letter in the fire and watched it burn into ashes. My heart sank within me.

My beloved angel, Susan.

A knock.

            "O My Lady. I am sorry to interrupt. I hope the letter did not bring too ill of a news for you." "No it didn't. It was from my good friend Lady Fitzwiliam." "O! How is she? Is she enjoying her stay in Australia?" "Yes she is. She was telling me of all the fascinating animals they have. It sounds quite marvellous apart from the heat." "It should be nice to travel though My Lady. Would you not enjoy it." "Yes I would Mary, but then I would be too far away from home. Well that is settled. Is there something I could do for you?" "O yes his Lordship is here." "O Papa! How pleasant. Yes I'll be down shortly. Do have tea ready for us." "I will My Lady."

            I made my way down soon after Mary had finished dressing me. The sun shone through the windows and I could hear Mozart playing on the gramophone. 

            "O Papa!" "A my dear! Come! I have good news for you!" "O? What news have you brought?" "I know my dear that you are young but it is never too early to marry." "Papa! Please. I do not want to marry." "Of course you do! How can you not. All women marry my dear. That is they way the world is." "But what about love?" "O my dear do not trouble yourself with such nonsense! Love is folly, it is fleeting. Marriage in God's Church is sanctified and blessed. It is a union that will outlast all others. And why love. Is there a young man that has taken your heart." I laughed. "No Papa. Come we must have tea." "My dear! I lost your mother. What will become of you when God calls me home? I know you will have this home and all my inheritance. I have entrusted your brother with everything I own and he will care for you. But my dear, think of yourself. You need your own home, your own family." "Why Papa, I think you want grandchildren." "Well your brother will never marry so I can only hope you will!" He said laughing. I hugged him gently being as proper as I could. Mother always said that no matter the company one must always be genteel.

            A month passed and Susan had finally returned home safely. She came straight to my home. Papa had left for London for business and to my understanding to meet with my potential suitor. From the gossiping in the kitchen I gathered as much intel as I could.

            Susan snuck into my room and laid with me. The first was going and the crack of the fire filled our ears.

            "The fire always brings romance into the air does it not Beloved." "It does my beautiful Susan. O how I have missed you." I kissed her over and over again. She smelt so sweet. The fragrance of her soft golden hair filled my sense. She laid on top of me naked and glowing with immense beauty. I could not take my eyes off of her.

            My maid Mary was such a dear. I could trust her with anything. She kept my love for Susan a secret and even became our own personal mail courier. Susan and I were ever so grateful and indebted to her for keeping our love alive and hidden from unwanted eyes. Susan and I had been lovers since we were thirteen. For ten years we had carried out our love without anyone's knowledge. We made love despite us living in fear of discovery since we lived such times were could never marry and be together openly. When we were together neither of us much cared for danger that lurked around the corner.

            I felt alive in her arms. Love within me awoke and I felt aroused. Every night we made love was a new experience. She had such a way with me. She knew how to excite me and how to tame me. Her tongue did not only speak so eloquently as to seduce me but had a way with my body. I could not resist her charm and her touch. I was enslaved by her love.

            "My love?" "Yes?" "I wish we could marry. Papa has gone to find a suitor for me. I vowed to marry no one. I cannot be in bed with anyone but you." "Then run away with me. We can flee to Italy. My Uncle has a home there. I can take my inheritance and make a home for us." "But how can we live? There is no place for us." "As long as we are together we can make a home." "But -" "Worry not my beloved Katherine. Just quiet your thoughts and let me seduce you once more." I melted in her arms.

            The following day I went to my father to meet my suitor. He was a young man. I would say he was in his late twenties though he did not look his age. He was kind soft spoken and very unlike the many men my father had introduced me in his circle. I was quite taken aback by the very non masculine mannerisms that he carried. Father left us for a meeting.

            "So Lord Charles?" "Please just Charles. Pray continue Lady Katherine." "Just Katherine. It only seems fair since you have given me permission to address you by your first name." "Indeed. Is there something you wish to ask me Katherine." "Yes. I could not help but wonder why a man of your age has not sought to marry." He laughed. "I told my father I did not wish to marry." "What a coincidence I told my father the same thing." "I see. Interesting. What provoked you to want a live a live of solitude." "I merely wish not to confine my life to that of matrimony. It's shackles I find rather distasteful." "As do I." Charles stopped when he saw another young man cry out his name. I looked over and I recognised him. It was the son of the Duke of Chatsworth.

            "O do forgive me Elizabeth, there is a quick business that I must attend to." I nodded slightly. He bowed and excused himself. I watched the two from the window of the tea room. The two young man disappeared to the back of the alley. My curiosity got the best of me. I know Mama would not approve but I had to see what all this fuss was about. As quiet as I could, I followed the two of them taking care to stay out of sight. To my surprise I saw them embracing, kissing. A smile came across my face. His lover saw me. The two men froze in fear. I approached them. Without thinking I approached them.

            "Please do not be afraid. I must know how long have the two of you been lovers." "Five years Lady Katherine." I could see fear in their eyes. "I know how you feel." I took a picture of Susan. "She is my lover." I could see the fear in their eyes fade away.

            I invited them to dine with us. I called on Susan to join us. All four of became the best of friends from that moment hence. It was such a delight to find another couple facing the same immense struggle as Susan and I have faced. I found myself to be more at ease with my love for Susan. Having the ability to share with another soul apart from my lover has liberated me in so many ways.

            "Lady Katherine?" I looked at him. He smiled. "Katherine, do you not think anyone would know about of our relations? With the way it is in our society there is no freedom for our kind. There is no way that we can carry on like this without being discovered. And one cannot help but shudder as to comprehend the consequences with the Church. You know I say this with the utmost sincerity. I wish not to bring you any pain or to distress you.

            "I have been talking to my beau. We have both come to a solution. Could you and I not marry? And Lady Susan wed my other half. Yes it is for show. Yes it is wrong on all accounts. But how can we carry on living in such a ludicrous society with no means of protection. Do think about what I have said. I am only thinking of ensuring our happiness -yours and mine in the manner that befits us both."

            "I do agree with you my dear Charles. You are right. I have to speak with Susan to see what she has to say in the matter. What of marriage? I wish to marry her with all my heart but there is no way that it can be so. But not to be with her will be the death of me. I shall call on you and let you know of what I decide."

            That night I called on Susan. She dined with Father and I and after with my father's permission she stayed the night. When everyone had gone to bed Susan crept into my room and into my bed. I awoke when I felt her touch. I turned to feel her face pressed up against me. I fell into her embrace and we made love. I awoke the next morning to find her resting peacefully in my arms.

            "Good morning my love!" "O my dear! I must return to my room." "Of course. Before you go I must ask. Would you consider a marriage of convenience? Myself with Charles and you with his partner James?" She looked at me perplexed. She kissed me and left my room without a word. I called out to her but she just walked away. Since that day she would not speak to me. We ate breakfast in silence and she left thereafter for her home. The next day she called on me.  We met for tea.

            "Honestly Katherine I do not know what would possess you do think of such an idea? Can we not simply run away?" "Perhaps. But where to? Father's estate will not be passed on to me. He will need a male heir to possess his home. We have no money apart of that which our parents bestow on us. How are we to survive without that? Do consider it. All four of us can reside comfortably in his estate. We will be removed from society and can conduct ourselves freely."

            "I am sorry Katherine but I cannot commit to such terms. Do as you wish. I still plan on living with my uncle. He is aware of who I am and of our love and is willing to support us. I hope that you will come with me. You know I cannot live without you." "I know my dear Susan. But how can I leave Papa? You know how fond he is of me." "Yes I do. O my dear what are we going to do?"

            After that afternoon, I began writing to her. Mary found me only to inform me that Susan had gone off to Italy to be with her uncle and gave me this letter:

My Beloved

I know that I have been such a fool. I know that you felt that us marrying the two gentlemen will ensure our happiness. But I cannot live such a lie. Come with me. My train leaves on Friday. I hope this letter finds you before that. Do come with me. I will not and can not marry anyone but you. I know I have ignored your calls. Not a day goes by where I miss your smile. O how I long to have you in my arms my beautiful Katherine. Do come to me.

Love Susan

I placed her letter in the fire and wept.

            I fell asleep on my chair and awoke to Mary wrapping me with a blanket and a cup of tea in front of me.

            "What would I do without you Mary?" She smiled but didn't answer me. "Please stay Mary. I need you."

            "If I may be so bold My Lady. I would go to her. I know how she makes you feel. I have seen the two of you together. Your love for each other in endless. O do please go with her. How can you live without her My Lady. You cry every night when she is not with you."

            I got out of my chair and embraced Mary. I knew her words rang true. I asked her to pack my clothing and to write to Susan to inform her that I would not go with her to Italy.  I could not leave my father and my obligation to my family was so strong. I waited for her reply, but I heard nothing. A week had gone by and I still heard nothing from her. My heart began to ache.

            My father still kept insisting on my marriage to Charles. I avoided him and wrote to Susan's uncle. He wrote at last.

My Dearest Katherine,

Susan has taken ill. She has only now arrived in my home in Italy. I have not heard from you in so long. Susan wrote to me saying that you had not replied to her letters to you. I hope that they have not gone astray. She needs you my dear do come soon. I fear that she may turn for the worst.

Yours Truly

I called on Mary. She said she did as always sending my letters and she knew not why they had gone astray. I ordered her to pack my belongings. Papa was gone for a meeting. It was my only chance.

            "You are coming with me." I said to Mary. She obeyed and we set off for Italy. I arrived to see that Susan had recovered. I found out that Papa had come to know of our affair. Charles had betrayed us. He wrote confessing what he had done and sought for our forgiveness. I wrote saying:

Dear Charles

You must understand that such a betrayal of friendship can not be forgiven. What you have done is beyond comprehension. I had kept your love affair private. I trusted you with the hopes that you and I had an understanding. All of what you had said to me before was fraught with deceit. How am I to know that you will be true to your word had we agreed to marry. There is nothing more that I can say on this matter. Good bye. As you may have noticed that my address is not enclosed in this letter. I wish no longer to hear from you.

Katherine

            I understood from Sir William, Susan's uncle that Papa had wrote to inquire about my well-being. He wrote saying he could not understand what was happening or why I would commit such a sin against God and against the very heart of our great nation. Sir William simply replied:

My dear Sir

Rest assure that your daughter is well. If anyone should ask, you may say that she is in the company of a good friend and alley seeking the riches of other cultures in the world to brighten her soul and her mind. You may write to inquire of her health. I will be more than happy to answer but I ask that you do not visit us.

I sincerely wish you all the happiness and the best of health.

Sir William

            Papa wrote back agreeing to his terms and enclosed with his letter was all the letters that Susan and I had exchanged to each other. I realised then when Sir William had given them to us that we no longer had to burn them.

     

            Susan and I remained together untouched by society and the rest of the world. Cliche as it may seem we were living in a dream hidden away from time and from the rest of the world. And like the fairy tales of old we did live happily ever after.