"A Beauty" by Joy Rajan

            I put my hat on and made my way through the streets of Dover. The sun was shining above me and the sea air filled my lungs. It was such a relief to have a break from my repetitive life back in Vancouver. I felt quite drained and pathetic being almost thirty and having living to live with my parents. I suppose you might think that is okay, but really they still deny that I am a lesbian despite the fact that I came out to them almost ten years ago. They still refuse to accept it. I suppose they assume that their denial of me being a lesbian will somehow refute it. Perhaps, as they see it, it is a passing folly that will all be forgotten. I still manage to get out and mingle. I haven't really dated but then again I am fine. I quite enjoy being single. I just wish I didn't have to spend it with my parents. Well never mind. It is what it is. I'm just glad I'm not broke.

            I finally got away from my family. How liberating it is to finally break free from their company! My sister and my parents took off somewhere. I was just glad that I finally had time to myself. There was just so much to see in this quaint town. I looked at my watch. It was lunchtime. I made my way to a small restaurant took a seat.

            "Good afternoon Ma'am. Today's special is right here in the front of our menu. We have soup of the day, Bangers and Mash, quite a few vegan dishes." "Great! I'll have Bangers and Mash accompanied by any ale you recommend." "Excellent choice. Where are you from then if I might ask." "Canada." "I do apologise. I only ask because we had quite a few Americans come by here and well need I say more-" I laughed. He smiled. "Please call me Max." "Evelyn." "Well Evelyn, welcome to Dover." "Thank you." "Have you been to England before?" "I have several times. My eldest sister lives in London." "O I see." "I just haven't been outside of London. The furthest I have been was Windsor." Max smiled. "Well I welcome to Kent my dear. I hope you enjoy your stay." "Thank you." The service was impressive for this small little restaurant. It was quite a comfortable place. They had high tea, breakfast, lunch and dinner.

            It has been three days since we landed in England. We went to London to see my sister then stayed for two days and then we made our way through Kent. And as beautiful as the land was I could never find time to enjoy it. To make matters worse, my father kept insisting on eating at ridiculous restaurants; McDonald's of all restaurants and random Italian restaurants. And every time he chose a place to eat, we ended up being disappointed. I offered my suggestions, but as usual I went unheard. And of course, instead of picking a local hotel we stayed at Best Western which for the three of us was 260 a night. I gave up. For me, when I want to visit another country I enjoy eating local cuisine and immersing myself in the day to day life of every day folk. I ate my food and enjoyed every bite. It took awhile to get use to warm beer. It disgusted me at first but as I continued to drink it I didn't mind it as much. The price was reasonable as well. Max suggested dessert. I declined but offered instead to return to have afternoon tea.

            I spent the rest of the afternoon wondering around with my camera. I was so lost in this new world that I had discovered that I had failed to realise that I was being watched.

            "Hello there!" I looked up and saw a beautiful young woman coming up to me. She was dressed so elegantly. I studied her. She was dressed in off white middi dress with simple floral prints. She came up to me simple glowing. I watched her dumbfounded. How can anyone embody such beauty?

            "I'm sorry, I don't meet to intrude on your time but I saw you with your camera and couldn't help but introduce myself. I'm Lily." She held out her hand. Instead of shaking it I held it and bowed slightly. "Evelyn." I replied. She stood back slightly shocked at my response. "Well it's a pleasure. You're quite the gentleman I must say. Judging by your accent you're Canadian?" "I am." "Well I know that Canadians are polite and all that but my dear you're more English than Canadian." She laughed. I blushed slightly. "O I do apologise, I don't mean to insult you. It's just, the way you behave. It's as though you popped out of a romance novel." "How so?" "I barely know you and I can tell you are kind soul and that is rare. I wish more people were open and honest as you." I smiled. "And you can tell all of this by?" She laughed. "O do come on! It's tea time." I put my camera away and offered my arm. She took it absolutely delighted. I was absolutely puzzled.  If I appeared to come out of romance novel, she came out of a Hallmark card. We walked back to the same little restaurant. Max welcomed me back.

            "O My Lady! Welcome back to Dover." "Thank you Max. Meet my new friend Evelyn." "Yes well I am acquainted with this young lady. She's an absolute delight." Lily laughed. "Delight?" She asked, "She reminds me of a perfect blend of Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy." "As in Pride and Prejudice?" Max asked dumbly. "The one and only." Lily snapped "My favourite novel." I added quietly still baffled by Lilly. "Really? O good. You have taste. Papa enjoys philosophy. He has a massive obsession with Nietzsche, Aristotle and need I saw more. Tea please Max I'm parched." I sat back in my chair and watched her in astonishment. 

            Lily and I continued talking. Well she talked I listened. It wasn't unusual for me to do the listening. For the most part I had found it tiresome to be the listener but listening to Lily was such a delight. She had a beautiful voice and such animated features. After tea we continued to walk around town. She sang a bit as we walked. I could see how popular she was. I only found out later she was the daughter of one the wealthiest families and was a generous contributor to any cause she could get involved in. She lived with her family in Langton Green, wherever that was. She was not hesitant in showing me pictures of her home. I couldn't believe it how beautiful it was, both the house and the grounds that surrounded it.

           

             "Yes isn't it lovely? It is such a happy place. I told Papa I want green. So he found this place. It's a little over an hours drive from here." "How long have you lived there." "Ever since I was five I believe. Imagine, a little four year old girl ordering her father about and demanding to live in a white house surrounded by green. But lo and behold he finds this place. Isn't it sublime!" I smiled.

            She sighed slightly. "Is something wrong?" I asked. She looked at me. "I feel awful. I have been doing all this talking and here you are listening to boring old me." "I don't find you boring. In fact I could listen to talk all evening long." "Really? Most of the women I dated in my past couldn't wait to shut up me. Papa never liked any of them. He always had to find a fault with all of them. The first one drank too much. The second one was my childhood friend. I should have thought that would suffice. Apparently not! In any case, Papa found her lazy and far too spoilt. She was an only child." "And yourself?" I asked.

            "I'm the eldest." She continued. "Then came my brother Matthew and my youngest sister Edith. What about you?" "I'm the youngest. My eldest sister Catarina, then Liliana and then myself." "O you're the youngest. Did you come out to them?" "I did. My sisters and their husbands are supportive. My parents' are not. They are strongly religious." "O dear. My family couldn't care less. As long as I marry well so they could kick me out of the house." I looked at her and we both laughed. "The last part was a joke." "I gathered." She smiled at me. I saw a twinkle in her eye. She looked at me, a look I hadn't ever seen in any women before.

            We stopped and looked at each other for a moment. The sun was right above us and I could see the ocean in front of us in the corner of my eye. I didn't even realise that she was holding both my hands in hers. Neither of us spoke but we held each other’s gaze for quite some time. I looked into her beautiful hazel eyes. They were kind and gentle. Looking into her face I could see myself in many ways, perhaps not who I was at the moment but who I wanted to be. Even though I barely knew her I felt liberated, I felt alive. When I smiled she smiled. When my face was calm and collected she didn't pry. She respected my space and didn't pester me with questions like my family did.

            "Well I should take my leave. It was a pleasure to meet you Evelyn. Here, my number. I don't normally hand out my contact information to strangers but somehow you are different. I confess I am quite taken by you. You are truly different. If only Papa could meet you but he is away on business. O the time! I have to return home. My driver is here." "Of course. Thank you for the wonderful company." "No thank you. You poor thing! You had to put up with me." I smiled. "No, not at all. I enjoyed every moment of it. You are absolutely beautiful." She stopped and looked up at me. I stood back afraid I had spoken out of terms. I couldn't believe I had said that out loud. She placed her hand on my face. "Not as beautiful as you." She kissed me softly on my lips. I felt something, something incredible. I pulled her closer to me and kissed her back. She didn't stop me. In fact I felt her tongue in my mouth and the warmth of her touch on my skin. "I really have to go. I wish I didn't." "I understand." "I do hope to see you again." "I hope so too. With all my heart." We kissed again and she left. I watched her leave. My heart sank. When I got back to my hotel I began writing.

            How can anyone embody such beauty? How can such perfection and goodness be bound in such a soul? Lily. You are a woman of such a kind and genteel nature. When you look at me, my heart stops beating. It melts in an instant when you smile at me. And you laugh the world is alit. Your smile, no mater how faint can light even the darkest corner. When you speak, you sing, the birds join in song.

            Such intelligence, such beauty, such grace! You truly are the perfect soul, a pure masterpiece. Seeing you grace the earth with all that is good in this world is but a gift for   my eyes. To see your beautiful face I am truly blessed. I am sure you have flaws, weaknesses, but whatever they may be they do not taint that glowing aura of purity that surrounds you. You are truly a work of art, an inspiration to me. I watch you dumfounded and at a lost for words.

            I barely know you and already you have stolen my heart. You had only to greet me and my heart was on my sleeve. You had only to look at me and my heart would be on my hand. And whenever you said my name, and called out to me I knew that I had found life. My heart began to beat. I have become alive. I have found myself. No not in her, but in falling for her I have opted to find satisfaction from within. You have inspired me to dream of bettering myself.  Seeing you embrace others with dignity, respect, and genuine compassion I find myself empowered. Such strength has risen within me. I feel myself set ablaze. I am no longer held captive by my demons.

            And when I watch you I see the sun glistening over your soft auburn hair. Your skin and the smell of your body elevate me to the clouds. When she held my hand I felt a rush of warmth pierce through my body. I felt weak but strong. I felt helpless but empowered. I felt afraid but at the same time I felt I had courage. What have you done to me? Do you see me? When you kissed me did you feel the same way I do for you? When we touched did you not tremble? Were you not afraid? Did you want me the way want you. Do you adore me? You are a lady. You have such prominence in your society, such wealth. I am a simpleton. I am a Canadian from an entirely different world. What can I offer you? All I can offer you is my heart, my loyalty and my undying adoration of your beautiful soul. I pray that will suffice. Am I enough for you? O if only you could love me as much as I love you. If only you will ever come to read this. Perhaps we will never be together but at least know that you are loved. My Beauty! I give you my heart. It is a gift. I only hope that I could have yours in return.

Yours affectionately,

Evelyn

            I hid that letter in my bag praying that my parents would not discover it. It was the last thing that I had wanted, my parents to find out that I had fallen in love. They had given me such negativity around my past relationships I could not bear to go through the drama once more. We had two more days remaining in Dover. I made every attempt to get out and be about. A part of me wanted to run into her again. The moment that we shared and the kiss were buried into my subconscious. I could not stop dreaming about it at night and during the day I could see her face everywhere. Despite my efforts I didn't see her.

            I was quite surprised, my parents did not go out and about to see a lot of Dover. We did visit Dover Castle, Dubris Phaors, and PWRR & Queens Regiment Museum. It was only a half hour walk from our hotel. And Dover Museum which was a five minute walk from our hotel. We had two nights and a full three days in Dover. I couldn't see as much as I had wanted to. My parents and I left Dover and made our way back to London. Thanks to my consistent persuasion we explored more of Kent. We visited Rochester Cathedral. But that was as best as I could do. My family and I had returned back to London for a few more days. I only had three weeks vacation and I wanted to see as much of England as I could. The moment we returned to my sister's home I ran off to join my brother-in-law at a local restaurant and pub. I was relieved to run into Lily again, and of all places in London that same restaurant. She was seated in the corner with who I presume to be her family. She waved me over and asked my brother-in-law, Matt and I to join her. We did. 

            “O Matthew this is the lovely Evelyn I was talking to you about!” “O how fortunate. My sister would not shut up about you. On and on she would go on. And how long have you two known each other?” “A few hours to be honest.” “A few hours? Wow. My sister is picky and she is never so easily captivated by anyone. You truly must be special.” “I hardly think so.” “O tut! Don’t be shy.” “Tut?” Lillian asked. “You need to stop watching Jeeves and Wooster Brother. No one talks like that.” “Apparently we do. We live in a bloody dream world. Come Evelyn! Sit with us. James! Bring an ale for this lovely lady.” “Coming Sir!” I sat with them, drank and had a wonderful time talking about random topics. Yes I talked! It felt good to be heard for once. For that entire course of that evening I felt like I mattered.

            I watched them both laughing and being absolutely wonderful towards me. We ate and drank and talked. Matthew would not go on his conversation without looking at me with his large dark brown eyes. I studied him. I could tell he wanted me to butt in and say something. I suppose my silence around the table was trying on his nerves.

            “Alright! I had enough! My dear Evelyn, you need to be apart of this conversation. How are you just sitting there so quietly? Do buck up and express how you feel!” I laughed and blushed slightly. I could see Lillian watching me with idle curiosity and fascination. She leaned over and kissed me and I her back. And if you were expecting one of my parents to waltz in bellowing you some ludicrous homophobic remark, you would be quite mistaken. I was quiet safe and it felt amazing. I finally felt like I could be me and that in itself was gift.

            Her brother excused himself and left Lillian and I alone. I sat quietly and finished the remainder of my dessert. I stopped and swallowed hard when I felt Lillian’s hand on my thigh. I looked over and saw her looking at me with those beautiful eyes of hers. I felt her drawing closer to me but I didn’t stop her. We kissed passionately and it felt amazing feeing her tongue in my mouth and feeling her breath all over me. Neither of said anything after that we remained in the corner kissing. She took me to her place and we continued kissing on her couch. We still barely spoke. We said a few words here and there but nothing much of consequence.

            “What time is it?” I asked getting slightly anxious. “It’s eight.” Lillian replied. I could tell by her tone that she knew that I had to leave. “I should head back to my hotel.” I said gravely. “Ok. I’ll miss you.” She replied her voice grew quiet. It was new to me. From the entire evening she had such a lively fresh voice and a glowing aura about her. I could see the colour leave her face. I smiled and said to her softly, “We hardly know each other.” She finally smiled faintly and said, “I know but you are absolutely captivating. I don’t want to let you go.” “I don’t live here in England. I do not know how this will work. Your life is so different from mine.” She looked at me with her usual kind eyes and smiled. “You are right,” she said with a sigh. She gently stroked my hair and got off of me. She reached out her hand and pulled me off the couch. “Come on my dear, Evelyn let’s get you back.”

            She called for a taxi and sat in the back with me. We continued to kiss on the drive back to my hotel till we reached a safe distance. The two of us said our farewells and that was it. I didn’t see her after that. My trip was coming to a close. I returned home soon after. Lillian and I continue to message each other back and forth. We spoke over the phone, video chatted, and messaged each other back and forth for a few months.

            “How are you doing Evelyn?” “I’m doing well. Well as best as I can. I still miss you. I have never felt such heart ache.” “I know my dear. I honestly feel quite pathetic pining away for you. I have managed to take some time of. I should be able to fly down to see you. I’ll let you know as soon as I can when that would be. It would be great to see you in person and hold you. I can’t stop thinking about that first kiss we shared. It was indeed the most magical experience of my life. Do you agree?” “Of course Lillian. How can I ever forget? I will never forget when I first saw you.” “Evelyn, I hate to say this but we should go our separate ways. You were right before we are far too different. I will come and see you but I think after that we should put all of this behind us.” “You want to give all this up? Lillian? You just told me-“ “I know what I said. But honestly my dear this is far too painful for either of us. Hate me for it but I just feel like this is for the best. You deserve so much more than what I can offer you?” “You? Lillian! Shouldn’t it be me? What can I offer you? You’re wealthy, prominent, and gorgeous. And there is me! I’m, well. A simpleton!” “O! Don’t be daft. You are anything but! You just won’t see how incredible you are. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Now get to bed. I’ve only know you for a short time but I’m in love with you.” “And I you.” “I know my dear sweet Evelyn. You will find a good woman. Believe in that. Promise me.” “I promise. Though in all honestly I just want you Lillian.” “You have no idea how much I want you. Good bye my dear.”

            We met three months after. She stayed for two weeks. I took time off as well. My coworkers thought it odd that I would take time off. They never knew me to take any time off work. I told them nothing. My parents thought nothing of it. They were busy with their own day to day routine. It was quite pleasant actually. I just took transit and went of to meet Lillian. Y parents did not seem to mind that. They didn’t even bother to ask where I was going or the company I was with. I even kept all of this from my sisters and that surprised me. I always told them everything. My heart was just too guarded. I had an immense fear that Lillian and I would be discovered and my family would intervene and keep us apart.  Well in all reality the only two people that were keeping us apart was well us.

            Every time we met we tried to constrain ourselves to just embracing and kissing. Tried being the operative word. I suppose it was bound to happen. We had sex. Every day we started with an outing that ranged from having coffee and talking to visiting bookstores or any other even that was happening around us. We then retire to her hotel room; showered together and then well need a say more.

            “This is amazing!” “I don’t understand why we can’t figure this out and be together Lillian.” “O do buck up Evelyn. You bring negativity in sometimes. I am here in your arms naked, in the shower can you please just kiss me.” “Really?” “Well one of us has to be blunt. You think too much my love, and to be quite honest with you I am rather horny.” I laughed and kissed her. “Is that better?” I asked. “Yes!” I laughed. She laughed as well and smiled ever so sweetly. She continued to moan as my hands wandered all over her beautifully perfect cream skin. She tasted like heaven and every time she touched me it was as though I could hear the words “I love you” over and over again. I have never in my life felt so alive, felt so elevated and so immersed in such beauty.

            We continued on for one more week. It was now time for me to leave and head back home. Lillian was kind of enough to see me off to the airport. I told my parents that I would meet them there. I was surprised that they didn’t question me about it. She and I sat quietly together on the train as we headed towards the airport. It’s been an incredible two weeks together. I could not believe that it would just end that like. I looked over at her beautiful face. She looked different. I looked into her eyes and I could see a reflection of my own heartache.

            “So this is it then? We’re not going on with this?” “No my dearest Evelyn. This is it. We are done.” “Wow. You do realise what we have is rare and incredible and love like this should be embellished not destroyed and neglected.” “I know Evelyn but reality is what it is. It bloody well sucks.” “I suppose. Still Lillian I don’t know how I can continue on. Every day without you I can feel myself dying inside.” “Well then maybe you should take time away from your home. Go somewhere else. See more of the world.” “Or I can be with you since you are my world.” She laughed and blushed slightly. “You truly are a hopeless romantic and that is why I love you so much. I know we barely know each other but truly you are amazing. I doubt I will ever find someone like you. But this is for the best. I can feel it in my heart.”

            We ended it there. I watched as she left and that was it. I respected her. She was quite adamant that she did not want to hear from me. So I stepped aside and let her walk away from me and out of my life.

            Months passed. I had enough of my job. I gave my notice and managed to find another job. I started again and within a year my boss recognised my potential. And one day he offered me a position to head up their office in Sydney Australia. I accepted. Six months in and I had begun dating Sara. She was born here in Sydney. Her family moved to Canada but then moved back to Australia. I sensed though Australia was home she wanted to return back to Canada and I was right.

            “It still isn’t legal here is Australia. There is still so much further work in here to bridge the gap and expand people’s knowledge. I just sometimes wish I can head back to Canada settle down and get married.” “Why don’t you Sara? Your dad is still in Canada and your brother.” “Yes but my mother is here with my youngest sister. I know that don’t accept me Evelyn but they are still family and I want to-“ “Stay connected?” I asked. She smiled at me.

            Sara had such a sweet face. She was quite a bit older than I was. She was almost ten years older than I was, but that never bothered me. She helped me get over Lillian. Wow. Felt weird saying her name. I know reader you have read her name only a few paragraphs for her, but me, I haven’t even said her name this past year. Her name used to make me feel light and peace now it feels like such a burden. I felt my heart sink whenever I heard her name around me. You’d be surprised how many Lillian’s, Lilly’s etc. there are. It just feels like the one name that you are trying to hard to forget keeps coming around to bite you in the ass. Well more like punching you in the face. That is how it feels like. To be honest I keep seeing her face. So grateful that Sara came into my life when she did.

            “Are you alright Evelyn?” “No.” She looked at me. “Look at the two of us hey. We’re two broken people trying to mend.” “True. But honestly Sara I am so glad you’re in my life. I wouldn’t be able to heal without you.” “O don’t sell yourself short Sweetheart. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Just believe in yourself. Anyway both of us are on a fixed term. I’m not sure I want to come back here. You?” I shook my head. “It’s nice and all, but Australia isn’t home.” “Well we’ll see how it all goes. Maybe in time when both of us are ready we can settle down.” I looked at her. “Sara?” I asked. She smiled cheekily and winked at me.

            Sure enough as time went on Sara and I drew closer and closer together. Over time, whenever I heard the name Lillian I did not feel as much as before. The pain was subsiding but it never really went away. To be honest, I doubt it ever will. I used to always feel such regret, as though I should have stopped Lillian and fought for her and fought to be with her. But Sara always reminded me that it takes two to make a relationship work. And the way things were going reality spoke wonders to me. Reality doesn’t have to suck. It is really you that make the change. And the reality was it was Sara not Lillian who was fighting to be with me. She and I faced her mother and her youngest sister, Trudy. Neither of them came close to accepting us so we moved on. A year later Sara and I moved back home to Canada and the following year we were married. My parents wanted nothing to do with us. Thankfully her father Tom and her brother Andy along with my sisters were more than supportive.

            I was visited by Lillian’s brother Matthew not too long after Sara and I were married. He came bearing a wedding gift and flowers.

            “You’re looking really well Evelyn!” “Thank you Matthew. It is good to see you again.” “Indeed.” He smiled at me. There was a shadow over his face. “What is wrong? How’s Lillian.” “She’s well. Well as well as can be. She won’t admit it but she regrets walking away from you.” “Well that was her decision. I told her over and over again that we could make it work but she would not have it.” “O believe me I know how bloody stubborn my sister can be. But she was in the wrong. She shouldn’t have done what she did. But she is married now. I don’t need to bore you with details and all that but she isn’t her self if you know what I mean. I can tell you are doing well. Your wife seems like a wonderful woman.” “Sara is. She has her own beauty.” “Does she excite you though? Does she-“ “-No. She is amazing in bed. She is genuine and I know there isn’t a whole lot of romance and vigour in our relationship but there is honesty, trust, and she makes me feel safe. She respects me a lot. Anyway. I am fortunate. I love her and that is what matters. I am lucky to have love again in my life.” “Good. I am glad Evelyn. I only came to see that you are doing well. Thank you for dinner. Take care my dear! And all the best to you and Sara.” “Thank you Matthew. Good bye.” “Good bye.”

            That was it. We just had dinner and he left. I do not know if he went back to Lillian to tell her anything about me. But just like her I didn’t hear from him.

            “They are odd Honey.” Sara said to me one day. “I quite agree. Anyway my darling Sara! My beauty!” She blushed. “Yes do go on.” She said. I could see her face getting read. “You are my future.” “Yes and you are mine.” We kissed and made love that evening. We stayed in bed for most of that weekend. Well except for Saturday evening. Tom had a barbeque and we could not get out of it.

            I may not be so captivated or infatuated but Sara as I was with Lillian. There was not doubt that a beauty like Lillian rarely came along. But with Sara there was a different kind of beauty. She was a real beauty one that embodied a deep and endless love. I knew with Sara I could have a full and meaningful life that I could not have with one else. I used to think that it is just love. But love goes much deeper than what we can comprehend. Yes it makes us do foolish things. But true love can never be tossed aside or forgotten. If two people truly loved each other than they would be together regardless of time.