"Rachel" by Joy Rajan

           

            I watched as she played with her daughter. The two of them were practically glowing with such joy. I couldn't take my eyes off of them. I never told Mary how much I admired her. She had gone through so much this past couple of years. I remembered when she came out to her family as a lesbian. She was sixteen when she had come out. Her immediate family was supportive of her and her life was going so well. Unlike me, she had full support. I quite envied her. I had nothing from my family. They always had their own ambitions and perspective of life. Instead of keeping all that to themselves they imposed it on my and thus my life was never my own to live.

            There was an unsaid problem though in Mary's family. It was her uncle. When I first met him I was felt something was odd about him. I could never quite put my finger on it but I had a strange feeling about it him. No one else suspected her uncle. Uncle Ed, as he was affectionately called in the family was a kind sort of man. Mary's mother, Margaret always told me that Uncle Ed was so attentive towards Mary and did nothing but care for her as though she was his own daughter. So why would he rape her? Now she is a twenty-six and Rachel is six.

            I remember when Rachel was born. Mary lied to the nurses telling them that I was her sister. It was nice of her. She had wanted it so badly for me to be there by her side. And for some reason hospitals only had a family only policy. She sought my company. But despite all my efforts in wanting to be more than friends I knew Mary never saw me as anything but a friend. Deep down I always wondered why that was. I never understood our relationship. There were so many details about our friendship that were enigmatic. For one, if we were just friends then why was Rachel's middle name is in fact my name, Elisabeth. I suppose one could name one’s daughter after a close friend. Then there are times when she would get glow with envy when another woman showed interest in me. I asked her about it she simply denied it. She would say, “She is wrong for you?” I had to inquire. “Then who would be right for me?” “Why me of course.” Came her reply with a odd laugh. I could not describe it. Those were just two of the many things that contradicted the notion of a platonic friendship.

            Needless to say, my heart was on Rachel. She was such a dear sweet child. I helped her with her homework and I taught her how to paint and to draw. She was absolutely beside herself when she discovered how fun it was to play with paint. Seeing her so full of joy and love I supressed my pain, my longing for her mother and kept going. Rachel became my breath.

            “Aunt Elisabeth!” She said to me one day. Her face was beaming with joy. The sun was shining above her as she was running up to me. I watched laughing absolutely delighted as this sweet little princess who was running towards me barefoot and in overalls. She was anything but a lady. I quite admired her tenacity. “Come my darling girl.” She threw herself in my arms and knocked me over. “I really think you and Mama should marry.” “Really why do you say that?” “I know you like her.” “My dear, your mother and I are good friends.” “Well. I think you should marry. Mama will be lucky to have you. And I’m lucky too.” She blushed. I kissed her red cheeks. She giggled softly. “Come on we should head back inside and get you out of these clothes before your mother sees you. You know how she is. All about dresses and so on.” “How come you never wear them?” “I don’t like them.” “O. Well then if you aren’t wearing one then I shall not.” I laughed. “How long have you liked Mama?” “Ever since I met her.” “That’s seven years.” “Eight actually.” “O.”

            It's been eight years now. I had no idea how I have concealed my love for Mary for so long. Her family didn't seem to notice. They considered me to be Mary's sister. I was just a friend. One who has always been by her side and silently loving her. Who wouldn't love Mary? She was the kindest, generous, and the most beautiful woman I have ever known. I have dated. Mary had dated but both of us felt that none of the women we had dated were ever good enough. We both confided in each other.

            "Elisabeth! I don't know what to do! It seems every time I date, it always starts out well. And then they meet Rachel and it all changes. Am I doing something wrong?" "I doubt it Mary. I think they see Rachel as a symbol of something serious, and I suppose people are afraid of commitment." "Well that it absolutely rots! But then I guess that is how people are. Well I am glad I have you! Perhaps we should marry!" She said laughing. My heart broke. "If only." I said softly. She didn't hear me. O how I wanted her. I could see Rachel in the corner of my eye. I turned to see her face. A sudden shadow fell on her. I knew she grieved. She felt my pain.   

            I had often asked myself why I stayed? Why do I still linger? Should I not give up? But truth be told it hurt more to leave her than it would to silently love her. I thought perhaps over time, my love for her would fade and I would see her as she sees me, a friend. But that is not so. It was quite the opposite. The more I saw her, the more my love for her grew. My family was not all pleased with my spending all my time with both Mary and Rachel. They wanted me to seek out a man. To add to their dismay I never wore a dress.

            “You are a lady Elisabeth. You should be wearing a dress and going out to Church. I don’t know why you keep spending time with Margaret and her family. They are not the best influence for you my dear.” “Mother I don’t need to hear any more of this. This discussion is over.” “I will never understand you!” “You don’t need to. I don’t need your approval.” I left their home that day. It’s been six years to that day. I moved it with Mary and her family. She was furious at my family for not supporting me.

            “I think it is absolutely wonderful that you wear pant suits and not dresses. You should be who you are. I wish I could pull it off but unlike you my dear I love dresses, gowns, getting all dolled up. But it isn’t you. And in any case you wear those suits so well. And I don't know why you lived with your parents. My dear friend! All those long years! How excruciating! I am so glad you decided to live with us instead." Mary said to me one day. "You have so much to offer. You are so talented. I've never seen a more gifted artist. And there you are wasting away. I am so glad that we rescued you. And I am grateful Papa convinced you to go to art school. You're an artist my dear. I'm glad I was able to put an exhibit out for you. You have a way of capturing the heart and soul of a person." I smiled and sipped my tea. She looked at me. I just smiled faintly. I could sense she was trying to read me and to figure out my thoughts. I had to throw her off the scent.

            "Well at least I have you. You truly are a splendid muse." I said subtly. She bit the bait. "Yes thank. I am quite a beauty am I not?" She said laughing. I shook my head but didn't answer. She looked at me. "Come to think of it Elisa, the way you look at me while I model for you. One might think you're in love with me." I remained silent and avoided her gaze. She put her cup of tea down, stood up and walked up to me. "O my god. Elisa! It is true. Every time you have drawn me you have that same look. O how stupid I have been!" "I'm sorry.” “For what? I should apologise. I have been-“ “I should leave. And yes I do love you. I always have. I have hidden my love you for these past few years.” Yes! How long.” “Eight years.” Cried Rachel as she walked through the hall.”  I stood up “But I am afraid I lost you forever. Even as a friend. I'm sorry. I should leave. I have crossed the line." I looked at her tears filled my eyes. She reached out to me. “You will always be my friend.” “But I want you. I want so much and I can’t have you can I?” “I-“ “Don’t.” Said I wiping the tears from my eyes. I couldn’t help myself. I pulled her in my arms and kissed her. She didn’t kiss my back. I felt myself shatter. I picked myself up, went to my room packed my things. I said my farewell to everyone and left.

            I sat at the train station with my luggage. I couldn't believe it. I finally left her. All I could think about was the feel of her lips on mine. But she didn’t kiss me. I thought I should have felt some form of relief. But all I felt was heartache. All I could feel was grief. The train was delayed. I stood up and made my way to the nearest restaurant. It was a beautiful afternoon. The sun was shining above me and the sky could not be bluer. But through my eyes, all I saw was rain and grey.

            "So you tell me you're in love with me for the past four years and then up and leave?" I looked up to see Mary sitting down in front of me. I was about to get up. "Don't you dare!" "I'm sorry." "For what? Why should be sorry. All this while we've been joking around about getting married. Elisa! I love you." I looked at her. "No you don't." "O you idiot! I do. It took me eight bloody years to not see that the woman I need in my life is right in front of me!"

            She vanished. How I wished it were true. I finished my tea and stood up. The seat in front of me was empty. She never came. She was never going to come. The words I heard in my head were just that, in my head. I looked at time. The train was about to arrive. I sent word to my uncle who lived in Kent that I was coming. He was more than excited. Unlike my family, my Uncle Ned was more than supportive of me being gay. My parents were not at all happy with my decision but that then again they never much approved of anything I did. I picked myself up and got on my train. I sat down and looked out. Mary never came. After everything, it just ended. Eight years of happiness, heartache and beautiful young Rachel and it was over in afternoon.

            A week after I had settled in with my uncle, my paintings came by courier. I looked through them. Everything was there except one. The portrait I did of Mary was not there. Instead there was a note. It was from Mary.

My dearest Elisabeth

I'm keeping the portrait you did of me. Papa wanted it. We've wired you a thousand pounds. Please take it.  I understand why you left but please do not think we hate you. Well Rachel does. She's quite furious with you. Please write. If you do not I understand. But please write to Rachel. She's truly fond of you.

With love Mary

I wrote back to Rachel

Dearest Rachel

I am sorry I left. I love you dearly and miss you. But I fell in love with your mom and your family won't have me. I hope you and your mother will be happy and I wish you all the best.

With love

Elisabeth

Rachel wrote to me

Aunt Elisabeth

I am quite angry that you left us. But I understand. I think Mama is the angriest of the lot. Grandma and Grandpa wish you all the best and wish you all the love. Thank you for saying goodbye to us. I guess it is for the best. It has been eight years and Mama does not love you the way you love her. I hope with all my heart that you find another woman who loves you. Grandpa told me that he would love to have you as my mother and their new daughter but they also know how Mama is. We are all fond of you. Nana Winters and Henry, Grandpa’s valet are especially fond of you and do miss you terribly. You were always so sweet to them. They can’t write of course, so they asked me to write to you. Do write soon.

Love Rachel

I replied:

My dearest Rachel

Thank you for your sweet letter. I am so glad that you have taken the time to write to me. Do send my love to Henry and Heather (Mrs. Winters). I hope Mr. Winters is doing well. I know he has been ill off late. Keep an eye on your mother. I hope she is all right. I know how moody she can get. Keep her happy. I am doing quite well here. My Uncle and I are making plans to travel soon. I am not sure if we will come back to England or not. But I will let you know what are plans are and send you letters always.

I love you my dear. I always will

Elisabeth

Two weeks passed and I received this letter:

O Aunt Elisabeth

I wish you were here. Our home is not the same without you. I’ve noticed that Mama has been crying lately. I have taken upon myself to comfort her. I confess I did snoop in her room only to find that she has been keeping a photograph of you by her bed. She is still angry that you left. I do have a feeling that she is being to realise that she loves you. O I wish the two of you would marry. You’d be the perfect couple. And we’d be the perfect family. I do miss you terrible. I just wish Mama would write to you. I know you have written to her but she won’t write back. She does read your letters. Especially this one:

Dearest Mary

I hope you are well. I do miss you all so much. I thought it best that I should write to you. I just don’t see how I can stop speaking to you after eight years of such an amazing friendship. Yes I have been in love with you for so long. I wish I told you sooner. I just didn’t know how to. And to be honest you were so far off in your own world with your rich companions and your fancy parties that I felt that I could never be a part of your world. You are such a beautiful, vibrant, and remarkable woman. I know you feel that you are hard to love, but my dear you are not. I wish that one day you will find a wonderful woman worthy of you. You truly are an angel and you deserve the best life can give you. I have given you the best I can have to offer but I am afraid that I am not enough for you. I doubt I ever will be. Take care of yourself and know that I am always with you even if we are apart.

Elisabeth

She reads that over and over again. Every night. I think I may have heard her say “I love you too.”

Take care Aunt Elisabeth

With love

Rachel

In tears I wrote back:

Dearest Rachel

Thank you for letting me know about your mother. Despite what you say, I still doubt that your mother will ever come to love me. It has been a month and she has not written to me. Come to think of it, it has been two months now and I have not heard from her. If she really did love me she would not be afraid to profess her love.

Do not fret my dear. Life will throw so many things at us but we must stand strong and true.

I love you my dear. And I will always love your mother that will never change.

Aunt Elisabeth

Within days of that last letter I received this from Mary

Elisabeth,

I don't know why you left so abruptly. We could have talked. I was quite shocked that you up and left after telling me how you felt. I would never shun you let alone toss our friendship aside because you fell for me. I just couldn't believe that all this while you had been in love with me. I can't begin to imagine how much you have suffered all those years. Why did you keep it from me? Did you not think you had a chance with me? You have been there for me through so much. I told Papa and Mama, they confessed that they deep down they knew how you felt for me but they were shocked and upset when you decided to leave. We feel abandoned. I feel abandoned.  I'm sorry but I think it was wrong of you to have left us. I could never understand you at times. You are so kind, so loving, so attentive and so compassionate but you won't let anyone love you. Why do you think that because you love someone that you can't have their love in return? Do come back. Come back to me. Please I need you. I never knew I would need someone the way I need you. Every night I long for you. Every night I wish you were in my bed with me. Please my dear. Please come home to me.

Mary

I didn't write back. I couldn't. Mary kept writing to me.

Elisabeth!

Stop being stubborn. If you aren't coming I am coming to you. Rachel told me to tell you that she is going to biff you with Papa's cricket bat. Okay, well I confess she didn’t. I did. Needless to say I am coming to you. You're my friend. I'm not giving up on you.

Mary

I finally wrote back:

Mary

Please forget me. I know we have been through so much, but it pains me to be near to you.  Let me be in peace. I'm leaving with my Uncle to France and I doubt I shall return. And do stay away from that cricket bat. It's too heavy for you. Remember the fall you had trying to hit it. My heart stopped when you hurt your sweet delicate wrist. I love you my darling Mary and I love Rachel as though she is my own daughter. But as much as I want I can't have either of you. You say you want me but you know well as I do I can’t just be your friend. Our friendship is such a beautiful thing. I want more my dear Mary. And you can’t give it to me. You don’t love me. I know that. So don’t pretend to love me for my sake. Let us move on. Take care my beautiful angel, my beautiful Mary.  I'll never forget you and as I have told Rachel, I will never stop loving you.

Elisabeth

I stopped receiving letters. I finally felt at peace. Life got easier. Uncle Ned and I went about planning our trip to France. He had found a perfect little area in Nice where we could reside in. It was the perfect place for me to start over and paint again.

            "My darling Elisabeth. We should go. There is no sense in you pining away for Mary. You have given them eight years of your life. They are wonderful people but we move in very different circles. You know as well as I do that there could never been anything between the two of you." "I know Uncle. And you are quite right. Thank you so much for getting me out of the house. I needed it!"

            "Needed it?" I turned around to see Lord and Lady Fitzgerald. Behind them were Rachel and Mary. I could see how upset Lady Fitzgerald was. I couldn't even begin to describe Lord Fitzgerald's face. I looked passed them to see Mary's face. She was pale.

            "I will leave the two of you be. Come Rachel. Come my dear let Mary and Elisabeth talk. But before I leave, Elisabeth, you were always like a daughter to me. It hurt when you left. But as I said before I know why you did.” “I crossed the line My Lord." “No you did not. And none of that matters my dear.” He said nothing after that, kissed me on my forehead and left the restaurant. I watched as the three of them took a walk.

            Mary sat down in front of me. I watched her for a full ten minutes. She ordered tea and remained quiet. I was afraid. I did not know what to say to her. I had a feeling that she did not know what to say to me either. So we sat together and drank tea silently. I could see Lady Fitzgerald watching us perplexed. I tried to ignore her face. At last Mary spoke.

            "You are a damn fool for leaving. You can't tell someone, especially your best friend that you are in love with her and pop off. You disappeared before I could tell you how I felt. I was blind. I just could not see that you were in love with me. I do not know whether I chose to ignore it or if I really was more of an idiot than you." I sat silently. Words failed me. I usually knew what to say and I knew even more what was going through Mary's mind but not today. Today my mind was a blank. I poured myself another cup of tea and listened to her as she went on.

            "My entire life I, more than you, have looked for the perfect woman. I have tried so hard to find someone that connected with Rachel like you did. By the way she is still furious at you. I am more so than her. If you honestly thought it was only your heart that broke when you left you were wrong. Rachel stopped eating. She stopped smiling. It took her an entire month to become somewhat of a functional human being. I still look at her and I don't see my daughter. She lives for you.” I stopped her. “You mean you. I’ve been writing to Rachel and what you are saying, she was saying about you.” Mary ignored me, I could see it in her face; she knew I was right. She went on. “She was only happy with you because she had both her parents, you and I. You really thought you were the only one who was silent in their love? The only difference was I didn't realise that I wanted you, that I love you until the day you left." "So what are you saying?" I asked my voice fading. "Simply this, that when you told me you loved me you should have proposed instead of leaving!” “I beg your pardon?” I asked dumbly. “Well! That settles it!" "What? I'm confused Mary." "Elisa! I love you. And if you aren't going to propose to me then I will. I'm quite adamant my dear. We're getting married and there is no way out of for you. You are quite stuck with me." I caught myself. I felt myself gripping my teacup harder, afraid that I would drop it.

            "I know I am not the easiest person to live with let alone love. Papa and Mama had such a difficult time trying to establish my character. They never told you but when you came into my life. I changed."  “Mary-“ “Elisa!” She cried. She put her cup down and took mine out of my hand. She then reached out to me. I held out her hand and she pulled me towards her. I felt her gloves coming off and she placed her hand on my face. I stood there frozen and waited for her to make the move. She pulled me towards her and kissed me. I felt her lips on mine and I lost myself in her. I felt her warm breath in my mouth, her tongue. I could smell her skin.

            “I love you.” She said in between kisses. “ I love you.” “So will you marry me then?” “If you will have me.” “Of course Elisabeth.” “O Mary! How I want you.” We both cried slightly. Tears of joy streamed down my face. She wiped the tears off my face. She paid the bill and took my hand. We made our way outside and tried to find the rest of the family. We signalled over to her parents. Rachel came up to me. "Don't leave please Come home!"  I looked at her face and my heart melted. The poor child was so frail. She was at the brink of an outburst. I couldn't contain myself. I embraced her and she wept. I kept holding her tightly.

            “Don’t worry Darling. You mother and I will be getting married.” She stopped crying. “Really?” “Yes. I am afraid she didn’t give me enough of a choice.” Mary and I laughed. The two of us held Rachel by the hand and headed back home.