"Alone" by Joy Rajan

I could not believe what just happened! It was enough my brother moving to England. I was happy for him but why me? I just came to London to spend three weeks and all for holiday and now it has been four years since I have stepped foot in Canada. I miss my home so much. I miss the smell of Vancouver rain. More than anything I miss the mountains that surround my beautiful city of Vancouver. I was enthralled to have finally found a great job and my own condo and living on my own apart from my parents. But my brother of course had to invite me over. So why am I in England? Why did I give up Canada? For a woman. Yes I said it. I love my wife what can I say? Now I am in a country where I feel more alone than ever. 

Odd isn't it. You never do expect where life would take you. You always have this pre-conceived notion of how your life will be and when you start living you realise you were complete wrong.

I looked out my window. The rain was getting worse. I looked at my phone at the weather app. It was sunny and fairly warm in Vancouver. And London? Cold. Wet. Dark. Dull but bustling with intense vigour. Every where I look everyone is busy stuck in their one own constructed paradigm unable to see beyond themselves. Wherever I go no one talks to me. Even within my wife's family. We had such pitiful conversations that lack any form of depth.

"O my dear Cynthia! I do hope we are not bothering that Canadian wife of yours. I suppose she misses her hockey nights and whatever else Canadians do." I looked over at my wife, she ignored me. In fact they all did. "O Aunt. Kara is quite all right. Of course she is home sick. You were every time you travelled. And not all Canadians like hockey." "Right." "Actually she has quite an excellent seat and enjoys a good game of tennis. Don't pestering the poor darling. She's a perfect angel. And if I should be bold as to say -she has kept this family from falling apart. Our levels of scandals have well -diminished." "O you are quite right. O my dear! You are so quite in the corner! Here we are rambling on as if you were not here. Do forgive us." "There is nothing to forgive Aunt Daliah." "O you are a dear Kara." 

Henry sent for tea. And the three of us spent the rest of the afternoon chatting away. Well the two of them did. I as usual seated myself by the window. 

I probably should not complain but what can I say. Ever since we got engaged Cynthia and I became less and less connected. It was custom in this family for married couples to have separate rooms. I hated it. When we dated we could barely be apart. We had known each other for a year before we finally married. Over time our we became less intimate. I longed deeply to be with her. But every night she pulled further and further from me. Fearing her father, I just busied myself with my new steed and weather permitting tennis. Thankfully I developed a good friendship with Cynthia's brother. He was the closets thing to a best friend that I could ever have. 

"I do not mean to pry dear sister, but your marriage with Cynthia -well how shall I say it...has it become for show?" "I won't deny it." "My word! When was the last time you two had sex?" I laughed. He looked at me. He was genuinely concerned. "I mean it Sister. Sex is part of a healthy marriage." "Four months." I said gravely. He nodded. "Well I can't intervene. I suppose you tried?" I nodded. "What are you thinking then?" "This is all a facade really. I am not quite sure what to do Matthew. I love her, but I feel like she's never really loved me." "And you've been together two years and married for one." I nodded. "Wow. And you left Canada to come here. I wouldn't." "Let's not talk about it anymore." "Fine. Let's talk about me then." I shook my head laughing. He was serious. I detested, but he went on.

"No actually. Oddly enough, one would think this family would be accepting. But well I am gay. Papa wants me to settle down and get married and have children. I know you and Cynthia will be adopting." "Yes. Late Cousin Anna's children." "Right. Well, I'm in love with Adam." "O I like him." "You do?" "Yes." "But what do I do? I can't be open about it. I mean I know we aren't blood relatives but still, he is through marriage." "Yes. And then there is his best friend." I said sighing. "You mean Tabitha?" I nodded." "You and her?" "Yes." "For how long? And have you too had -" "Yes. A few times. No one knows. We always met out of town. As to how long? O my word. Before Cynthia" "O! So three years? So that is why you go to Hastings. You sly dog." He said laughing. I laughed. "Well. We've kept it platonic since your sister and I got serious." "No, no I understand. You are not the type to have affairs or to cheat. Your heart is too pure for that. But in all honesty, things are becoming more clear to me." "O really?" "Yes. Love really only comes once and we really should not let anything get in the way, not even family." "Easy for you to say. You are not married!" We both laughed. But in the midst of our laughter we both shared each other's pain. Neither of us felt like we could break free of our family bonds and marry the ones we loved. 

I continued on with Cynthia. We grew further and further apart and we were less intimate now than before. 

And then before I knew it Aunt Daliah surprised us with the news. Matthew and Adam had secretly wed. Everyone except for myself of course. I of course was at the wedding. I was Matthew's best man. She was frantic. I found it amusing how furious and angry everyone was Papa was the most distraught of the lot. Matthew sent a letter out to me (which I later burnt). He and Adam had left England and gone off the Netherlands. It was for the best. I was happy for them. I did not mention where they were to anyone. 

"So Matthew and Adam finally tied the knot then?" "Yes Tabitha, they did. Good for them." "Yes. How's the family?" "O horrified. Cynthia was not at all surprised. She quite shocked me. She confided in me for the first time how she felt about the entire thing. She was disappointed at first. Hurt. I suppose more that Matthew had not confided in her." "Good. How are you both? If I may ask? I do not mean to pry or anything. I just notice that your happiness diminishes every time you come to see me. Not to imply that you aren't happy to see me." "No. To be honest, I look forward to seeing you. You and I have always been good friends. And yes you are right I am not happy. I just feel more than ever that our marriage is just for show and she does not feel the same way I do for her. O and I told Matthew about us." "O?" "Just vaguely." "What did he say?" "Not much actually. He was just surprised but understanding. After all he has kept his relationship with Matthew hidden all these years. They've been in love since primary school." "And us." I looked at her. The same beautiful pure blue eyes still melted my heart. Even though I promised myself to Cynthia my heart still melted whenever Tabitha smiled at me. My friends told me to move and and I would find love again but really Tabitha and I -we still continued to love one another even if it had to be confound in friendship.

Months passed. I remained faithful to Cynthia. We now celebrated our first anniversary. I made my way to the jewellers to purchase a string of pearls for her. She loved pearls. She had a lovely set given to to her by her grandmother, but unfortunately they were stolen. We found out that a twice removed cousin of hers had stolen it and pawned it to pay off his debts. Honestly, he could have come to us. We would have helped him. He ended up going into more debt and found himself in prison. What was worse was he did not want to change. He didn't not acknowledge that what he did was wrong. And a betrayal such as that was unforgivable. Pitiful. 

Cynthia loved them. I was glad. She kissed me. She did daily, but it was always a quick peck on the cheek or a gentle kiss on lips. This time when I gave her her pearls she really kissed me. 

"O my darling! This lovely! Look at the details. It is exactly like Grandmother's string. You even remembered the clasp and intricate designs on it. You truly are quite the marvel. I am so lucky to have you my darling. I really owe you a wonderful evening." "As long as you are happy my love, that is enough for me." "O you are too kind. But look at you! I haven't forgotten you my dear. I know you need to be shown love as much as I do. But there you are, always giving and never asking for return." I just smiled.

Later that night I was getting ready for bed. I leaned over and took ahold of my copy of Wuthering Heights and began reading. I heard someone clearing their throat. I looked up, for a moment I thought I saw Tabitha standing there in a beautiful negligee. I could see her beautiful blonde hair flowing past her pure silk skin shoulders. I felt my eyes burn slightly when I could see her beautiful blue eyes sparkling and that smile, that gorgeous smile. I placed my book down  and when I looked up again I realised it was just my wife Cynthia. She smiled at me with her hazel eyes. My heart sank. I felt a slight tug of guilt and disgust when I realised that I had thought of another woman who wasn't my wife. I did not know what else to do. Tabitha and I had buried our love for one another for years. Some times I wondered if marrying Cynthia was the right thing to do. But I made my vows to Cynthia. Why now, I wondered. I had never pictured myself with Tabitha when Cynthia I got engaged. I wished to see her yes. But I never had any sexual thoughts, save now. I collected myself.

"Cynthia. You look absolutely lovely." "I thought you'd like it! It's quite becoming is it not?" "It is indeed." I said smiling. "Well can I keep you company tonight?" "Need you ask? You are always welcome." "O good, for a moment I thought I would have to stand here forever whilst you drool over me." She let out a cheeky laugh and jumped into bed with me. We had sex that night. It was different though. It wasn't the same as when we had first announced our engagement. It wasn't horrible or awful. It was good. There was just something missing. 

The next morning my heart was still heavy. Heavier than before. I looked over and saw Cynthia laying next to me sound asleep. I doubt even a bomb could wake her. I sat back thoughts came flooding in. 

I never thought of Tabitha as anything but a friend when we first met. It wasn't till a few years later we both realised how much we meant to one another. But we knew from the beginning we could never marry so we went our separate ways and kept our conversations pure and platonic. I avoided being alone with her for too long. At most a few hours and always in public places. She and I continued on this way. We tried to remove each other out of our lives -but not having her in my life was more painful. So we agreed to maintain our relationship by the laws of strict friendship and sisterly affection. Although I do confess that when we are seen together we do get compliments on our compatibility as a couple. And when I met Cynthia, Tabitha and I set boundaries and respected it. She never once told me she loved me or if she still loves me more than a friend. I never thought I would think of her as anything but. Yes, we made love to one another on numerous occasions, but we kept it between us. Even Matthew does not know the extent of our love. 

I sat on my bed thinking about the nights Tabitha and I had together years ago. The passion, love and intensity overwhelmed me. I felt her inside of me. I felt tears streaming down my face when reality hit. I still loved her. Perhaps even more than before. I could not help but feel like I have betrayed my wife and our vows. I let out a heavy sigh. There wasn't much I can do. Yes I love Tabitha. I do want to be with her. But I won't. How can I? I am married. 

I pushed aside my feelings and went about my day. It became easier over time, until I received a letter addressed to me in the mail. There was no return address, but I recognised the writing, it was Tabitha's. I found a quiet place where I would not be disturbed and opened it.

My dearest Kara

I know we promised each other that we would respect each other's boundaries, especially since you became engaged to Cynthia. I have told myself countless of times to refrain from telling you how I feel and for expressing my love for you both physically and emotionally. But I can not bear it anymore. 

It was a strange night. Thursday night, not more than two weeks ago. I dreamt that we were making love and I felt you. I felt that you were also having the same dream as I was. Do tell me if it wasn't just me. I'm sorry. I know you are married. I know I can't ask anything of you. I just need to tell you that I still love you. You will always have a special place in my heart. You are truly amazing my beloved Kara. I want you to be happy. Your smile brightens up my world. When I see your beautiful face the world seems worth living in. You are gift and I wish more than anything to build a new life with you. In you I have found my home. 

Life has been so cruel to us, has it not my love? Because of our families and because of  Cynthia we can never be together or marry. 

I have tried to move on. I have tried to find someone else, but how can I when I long for you. 

What else can I say my beloved Kara? You're everything I have ever dreamt off and wanted in someone. And it pains me to see that you are not happy in your marriage. You deserve the best in life. I wish more than anything I could be your best.

I love you so much 

Tabitha

I burnt that letter right away in a nearby fire pit. I wrote to her later that night. Henry told my that Cynthia had gone to stay with Aunt Daliah.

Dearest Tabitha

I am glad you still love me. I do not feel alone. Even though I am married to Cynthia, I am not happy. I feel more and more that she doe not love me. But I am bound in this relationship. I can't see a way out. It breaks my heart to know that we can never be.

As for the dream, I have dreamt it too. You are in me. You love runs through my veins and your heart beats in mine. I will always love you Beloved. That will never change. 

What can we do? How to break free of these bonds? Matthew and Adam have. They have fled. What can we do? Will you run away with me? I know I should not ask that of you. Nor should you ask that of me. 

I love you too Darling

Always will

Kara

Dearest Kara

I wish more than anything to run away with you. But you know we cannot. I need to see you. 

With love

Tabitha

Dearest Tabitha

Is that wise? I am married Darling. We have already crossed so many boundaries. Perhaps we should refrain? But I do need you. Your voice, your smile, your touch, and your love gives me hope. With you I know I am loved for who I am.

Yours always

Kara

O Kara

This is agonising. We must stop. Please do not reply to this letter. I have written to my uncle and will be going off to travel in France. It is for the best. Take care of yourself. I will have my uncle write to you to let you know that I am safe. But please, destroy them and do not respond to them. Work on your marriage with Cynthia. Win her back. Please my love. I will not destroy a marriage. You made you vows. You made your decision. We found our love for each other too late. We were too late. Please be happy my love. Please feel whole again. I am not sorry for loving you. I am not sorry for showing you my love. You deserve every ounce of me and you have my heart. 

Take care my daring

Tabitha

For two years I have not heard from her. As promised her uncle sent word letting me know that they were safe. From France, they travelled through Spain. I even received a letter informing me that she has met with Adam and Matthew and they sent me their love. 

I worked on being faithful and being a good wife for Cynthia. Yet nothing I did made a difference. I saw her less and less. And on my birthday I found that she had been unfaithful. She had her own mistress. Papa later informed me that it was acceptable in the family as long as it was kept secret and not to think too much of it. I felt ill. To me it was not acceptable. We had been married for almost two years now. I knew deep down that my love was never enough for her. I knew she did not deserve me. I engaged Henry and he and I travelled and made it a point to avoid Cynthia. For three months he and I set off to Canada. 

I could see that she had become bitter. She was the youngest and was used to getting her way and doing as she pleased. She would not with me. Despite her being unfaithful for me. I kept my word and avoided Tabitha. No one apart from Matthew and Adam knew about us. 

It was wonderful to be back home. As soon as I got off the ship I saw Tabitha. She was on another ship that has just landed. We saw each other. Henry was loyal. He said nothing to anyone. 

"If you like I can go elsewhere. Canada is a large place." "Kara? What is it you are not telling me." "Lady Kara just discovered on her birthday that Lady Cynthia has her own lover. Lord Edward did not tell you that your wife Madam has more than one lover." "Well, that settles it then." "What do you mean My Lady?" "I can no longer be apart of this family. I am sorry. There are many things that may be acceptable to Lord Edward but not to me. Vows were made Henry and she has never once kept them. Do they perceive vows to have any meaning?" Henry shook his head. "I understand My Lady. Truth be told I have seen too much. A lot of which I never saw. Did you know you wife spent nights with more than one woman at a time." I looked at him. His face was saddened with shame. 

I sent word for a lawyer and he sent of divorce papers to Cynthia. I did not receive them back. I had them sent again through my lawyer and with enforcement. I had my lawyer include a slight word of caution to bring this matter to court. It was signed. 

I moved back home to Canada. Tabitha moved soon after and once she was settled we quietly dated. Within a year we were married. I heard nothing from Cynthia or from anyone in her family from then on. I had already had my lawyers remove myself from them. My friends were quite shocked that I did not hold only claim on Lord Edward. I did not. I did not want anything to do with their money and their way of life. I thought in those years that Cynthia loved me. I gave up every thing for her and was life broken. 

Tabitha was there as she always was for me. We worked hard to be together. We fought and finally won. Real love is what wins in the end. And what we had, was just love. 

End.