"A Connection" By Joy Rajan

“I’ve been so stupid!” “What do you mean Miss Jensen?” “Dina please.” I looked at her trying to read her face. But she looked away from me. For the entire session she has been starting at the ground. I tried my best to bring on a calm and genteel tone. “Ok Dina. Do you want to tell me why you think you’ve been stupid?” “I am.” She looked up at me and nodded slightly urging her to continue. “I’ve made so many mistakes!” “We all do.” “Sure, but I just can’t seem to justify my actions.” “How so? Did you break the law?” “Well no.” Then?” “I just made bad choices.” “Bad choices in? Your relationships, school? Or at other things?” She hesitated.

           I was trying so hard to help her but I could not reach her. I could not understand why she spent so much money on therapy only to sit with me “I’ve been so stupid!” “What do you mean Miss Jensen?” “Dina please.” I looked at her trying to read her face. But she looked away from me. For the entire session she has been starting at the ground. I tried my best to bring on a calm and genteel tone. “Ok Dina. Do you want to tell me why you think you’ve been stupid?” “I am.” She looked up at me and nodded slightly urging her to continue. “I’ve made so many mistakes!” “We all do.” “Sure, but I just can’t seem to justify my actions.” “How so? Did you break the law?” “Well no.” Then?” “I just made bad choices.” “Bad choices in? Your relationships, school? Or at other things?” She hesitated.

           I was trying so hard to help her but I could not reach her. I could not understand why she spent so much money on therapy only to sit with me every Friday and blame herself.  It’s been two months. We have had eight sessions of negativity and blame. To be honest I was getting tired of my sessions with her. I couldn’t believe how such a beautiful, intelligent young woman could bear so much guilt. Not to brag but about ninety per cent of my clients thanked me for my help and have at least opened up to me by the second session.  Not Dina. I feel so helpless. She just seems so far beyond my reach. Not just a professional sense but as I sit here I can’t help but realise that I’m in love with her. Really? A client? A straight client at that! I just wish I could tell her how I feel and how beautiful she is. I wish I could make her see how incredible she is. Why is she here? She has so much to offer.  

           “Doc?” “Yes I’m sorry I am listening. Go on.” “I just feel like I can’t do anything right.” “Do you feel like you are a disappointment to your family?” She nodded. “That is a common feeling. A lot of kids feel like they have disappointed their parents.” I could see her shoulders drop as soon as I said that. “Well how else do you feel?” She shrugged. “Did you want to ask me something?” She nodded. “Okay. Ask away.” I said gently. She smiled. “Have you?” She asked me. There was such sweet innocence in her eyes. I couldn’t help but be so taken by her. “Have I?” “Disappointed your family” “I was an orphan actually. My adopted parents were fully supportive. They always encouraged me in everything I did. And what about your parents? Do you feel like they listen to you.” She shook her head. “I feel like I don’t matter to them or to anyone. They keep going on about how naïve I am. I am twenty three! How naïve can I be?” “I see.” I said with a faint smile.

She looked at me I could see she was hesitating. “Did you want to ask me something?” She nodded. “Are you a lesbian?” “I am.” She jerked back. I could see she was quite taken aback with my quick response. “Is that a problem?” “No. Not at all! I’ve kissed a girl before.” “O?” “Well she kissed me. I didn’t tell my parents. They would freak. My parents are so religious it isn’t funny.” “I see. So -?” “I’m not sure yet. Deep down though I know I’m not interested in men that way. I suppose I am a lesbian. I have no idea –“ “Take your time. You rush things and you over think things. Just take time for yourself. And our time is up.” “Of course it is. I never thanked you. You always listen to me go on and on. It does help though. For what it’s worth. No one else listens to me.” “Well it is my job Dina. But you are welcome. Are you coming back next-“ “-No. I have to go on a family trip so I’ll be gone for two weeks. I already booked my next appointment for when I get back.” “Well have a good trip.” “Thank you.” 

           She came up to me and threw her arms around me. I could smell her hair. It was sweet. It smelt like coconut and I could see myself at the beach lying down on the lounge chair under the sun and Dina coming up to me in a sexy bikini. She’d lay her hand on my lap and lean in to kiss me. I pulled away from her and collected myself. I said good bye. I could tell she noticed my tone had changed. She brushed it off and left. I rolled my eyes and with a huge sigh I sank back in my chair.

           “Erin are you alright?” I looked up to see Heather coming in. “O right my four o’clock. Can you arrange for Miss Jensen to see someone else if it’s possible?” Heather looked at me. The colour left her face. She peered out the door and closed it behind her. She walked up to me and sat herself in front of me. “Are you in love with Dinah?” “I think so. What am I going to do Heather?” “Wow. I did not think you would. Not to say it isn’t good –O I am so bad at this. I mean, I am surprised that you would have feelings for someone since Mary died.” “Well Mary and I have been married for ten years. And we’ve been in love since high school. I surprised myself. I never thought I’d feel this way again. But Dina? She’s young. What is she twenty-three?” “Yes she’s almost ten years younger than you.” “Whatever.” I said shaking my head, “I just have to deal with it and move on. I mean really what else can I do?” “You can go out with me?” I looked at Heather and smiled. “Not a date, Erin. Just for a drink. I think we both can use it.” “O let’s go to that new restaurant. O. Let me next appointment in. I’m starving.” “I’ll get you something.” “Thank you Heather! I don’t know what I’d do without you.” “You’re welcome Erin.” She smiled at me. Differently. I could see a twinkle in her eye. No she couldn’t be into me. Or can she? 

           Heather and I went out that evening. I do not usually associate with co-workers outside of work but to my surprise I actually enjoyed Heather’s company. I hadn’t laughed in so long. It was such a relief to find someone who I had so much in common with. 

           “It is good to see you laugh. I know you are strong and all but really Hun you need to get out more and have fun. It’s been a year since Mary passed away. Maybe you should think about dating again.” “Why do you want to date me then?” I said laughing. She looked at me. “I would love to.” I stopped and put my glass of wine down. I didn’t speak after that. I didn’t know what to think. “I’ve had feelings for you ever since we first met. Ever since I started working for you.” I finished up my wine. My heart began racing. For two years she never said anything or even winked at me. She knew I was married and she respected that. I thought I knew her. “I’m sorry I should go.” I heard the panic in my voice. She heard it to. “Erin? Please.” She reached out her hand but I pulled away. “No. I need to go.” “Well let me at least drop you home.” I shook my head and left. I’m not sure what she would say. I paid the bill when she was in the washroom. Really? That is all that comes to my mind after someone told me they loved me. Wow Erin. Wow. 

           The moment I came home I jumped into the shower, got in my pyjamas and sat in front of the television. I had to forget. I just feel completely lost. I looked up and let myself drift away in thought. I missed Mary more than ever. I took down a lot of the pictures we took together. Seeing her face around the house just brought on too many memories. They were good memories we had an amazing relationship and I am very grateful to her about everything. But seeing her face everywhere was too much for me. I just could not seem to get over her. And now that I sit here reminiscing on what Heather said to me I had sudden wave of guilt. I really should not feel this way. My phone kept going off. I looked at saw so many text messages from Heather.

"Erin? Did I scare you?"

"Message me please. Just want to make sure you're okay"

"Erin?”

“I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I just had to tell you that I love you and I always will."

           I picked up my phone and called her. I hate texting. I always find that any message you send can always be misconstrued. And I am horrible at texting.

           "Hi Heather." "Erin? Are you okay? You didn't message me back I got worried." "I know I am sorry. I just needed space. All of this is weird. I'm sorry for my reaction. I just feel -" "No, it's me. I can tell you just aren't over Mary. Anyone who sees the two of you will realise how special your relationship was. Anyway, if you want me to leave I can. I actually got three job offers from other offices." "Yes perhaps that'll be best. Come to think of it I always had a policy of not dating co-workers." Silence. I could not believe I just said that. I always thought I had feelings for Dina. I always thought it was her that I was falling for her. I suppose I did not realise that it was really Heather who captivated me. “So? Does this mean we’re dating?” “Just come over Heather. I don’t want to be alone.” We continued to talk for a bit and at last she came over a couple of hours later and brought a bottle of Chardonnay.

“Okay Heather, I must admit you have impeccable taste.” She smiled and for a moment I thought she winked at me but I just shook it off. I must be imagining things again. “Why thank you. My dad is a bit of a wine buff. Grew up with random knowledge about wine.” She said laughing. I smiled and showed her in. I knew I had brushed off her smiles and so forth but I noticed it again and again. It wasn’t so much a wink but -I cannot think of the word to describe it. It was as though as eyes were smiling at me. As though she was baffled by me. Me? Could someone actually be taken in by me? 

Heather's younger than me by a matter of a few years. But didn’t look her age. She's actually thirty-two but she looks twenty-five. Amazing jeans I could not get over how intelligent she is. She was so amazing at everything she did. And without a doubt she is utterly beautiful. I could not get enough of her smile and I love her hair. She has such natural red curls I almost wish I could run my hands through it.

“O! I just realised! It’s your birthday Erin!” “O no Heather it’s okay.” “No! It isn’t okay. You need a cake my dear!” She said laughing. “Get your coat on. We’re going to bakery just down the street. You’ll love it!” “I’m guess I do not have a say in this.” She shook her head. I smiled. I changed and grabbed my coat. Heather was looking at me. I stood there stupidly as gazed at me. “You always look so incredibly beautiful. Every day you are so well put together. You have such class and style.” “And you have the most incredible eyes I’ve ever seen. And your hair –“ “What about my hair.” “I’ve always loved your curls.” “Come here Erin.” I walked up to her. I let her draw me close to her. We kissed. Again and again we kissed. “Shall we go the bakery?” I asked. “Yes we should. They close in half an hour. Come here beautiful. Let me spoil you.”

We took off. She grabbed my hand and we ran down the stairs and out onto the street. It started to rain. I saw her laughing. Her face glowing. I could not help but ask myself, Was it because of me?  The look in her eyes said it all. I've always hated my birthdays. But today. Today was special. She was special. When we finally got to the bakery they were just about to close. I could tell the owner took pity on us. Erin smooth talked them into letting us in. She got a cake for me and we took it back to my place.

We sat together, had cake and found a movie on Netflix. It was wonderful. I had no idea why I never paid much attention to her all these years that we were working side by side. I poured each of us a glass of whine and wrapped her in my arms under a blanket that I had on the couch.

"Erin?" "Yes?" "I can't tell you how amazing this feels?" "I know." I leaned over, kisses her soft rosey lips and whispered, "I love you." She kissed me back softly at first and then harder. I put my glass of wine down, and she did hers. We made out on the couch. She stopped suddenly when she was on top of me. "What's wrong Heather?" "Erin?" She bit her lip. I saw something in her eyes. "I just made my bed." I said. I felt my lips quiver. She got off of me and let out her hand. I swallowed hard. I felt my heart pounding. I took her hand and she led me to my my bedroom and onto my bad. It was a magical night. I have never had sex like that in my entire life. And it was even more amazing because in every touch and every kiss I felt her love. After all it what we have is just love. every Friday and blame herself.  It’s been two months. We have had eight sessions of negativity and blame. TO be honest I was getting tired of my sessions with her. I couldn’t believe how such a beautiful, intelligent young woman could bear so much guilt. Not to brag but about ninety per cent of my clients thanked me for my help and have at least opened up to me by the second session.  Not Dina. I feel so helpless. She just seems so far beyond my reach. Not just a professional sense but as I sit here I can’t help but realise that I’m in love with her. Really? A client? A straight client at that! I just wish I could tell her how I feel and how beautiful she is. I wish I could make her see how incredible she is. Why is she here? She has so much to offer.  

           “Doc?” “Yes I’m sorry I am listening. Go on.” “I just feel like I can’t do anything right.” “Do you feel like you are a disappointment to your family?” She nodded. “That is a common feeling. A lot of kids feel like they have disappointed their parents.” I could see her shoulders drop as soon as I said that. “Well how else do you feel?” She shrugged. “Did you want to ask me something?” She nodded. “Okay. Ask away.” I said gently. She smiled. “Have you?” She asked me. There was such sweet innocence in her eyes. I couldn’t help but be so taken by her. “Have I?” “Disappointed your family” “I was an orphan actually. My adopted parents were fully supportive. They always encouraged me in everything I did. And what about your parents? Do you feel like they listen to you.” She shook her head. “I feel like I don’t matter to them or to anyone. They keep going on about how naïve I am. I am twenty three! How naïve can I be?” “I see.” I said with a faint smile.

She looked at me I could see she was hesitating. “Did you want to ask me something?” She nodded. “Are you a lesbian?” “I am.” She jerked back. I could see she was quite taken aback with my quick response. “Is that a problem?” “No. Not at all! I’ve kissed a girl before.” “O?” “Well she kissed me. I didn’t tell my parents. They would freak. My parents are so religious it isn’t funny.” “I see. So -?” “I’m not sure yet. Deep down though I know I’m not interested in men that way. I suppose I am a lesbian. I have no idea –“ “Take your time. You rush things and you over think things. Just take time for yourself. And our time is up.” “Of course it is. I never thanked you. You always listen to me go on and on. It does help though. For what it’s worth. No one else listens to me.” “Well it is my job Dina. But you are welcome. Are you coming back next-“ “-No. I have to go on a family trip so I’ll be gone for two weeks. I already booked my next appointment for when I get back.” “Well have a good trip.” “Thank you.” 

           She came up to me and threw her arms around me. I could smell her hair. It was sweet. It smelt like coconut and I could see myself at the beach lying down on the lounge chair under the sun and Dina coming up to me in a sexy bikini. She’d lay her hand on my lap and lean in to kiss me. I pulled away from her and collected myself. I said good bye. I could tell she noticed my tone had changed. She brushed it off and left. I rolled my eyes and with a huge sigh I sank back in my chair.

           “Erin are you alright?” I looked up to see Heather coming in. “O right my four o’clock. Can you arrange for Miss Jensen to see someone else if it’s possible?” Heather looked at me. The colour left her face. She peered out the door and closed it behind her. She walked up to me and sat herself in front of me. “Are you in love with Dinah?” “I think so. What am I going to do Heather?” “Wow. I did not think you would. Not to say it isn’t good –O I am so bad at this. I mean, I am surprised that you would have feelings for someone since Mary died.” “Well Mary and I have been married for ten years. And we’ve been in love since high school. I surprised myself. I never thought I’d feel this way again. But Dina? She’s young. What is she twenty-three?” “Yes she’s almost ten years younger than you.” “Whatever.” I said shaking my head, “I just have to deal with it and move on. I mean really what else can I do?” “You can go out with me?” I looked at Heather and smiled. “Not a date, Erin. Just for a drink. I think we both can use it.” “O let’s go to that new restaurant. O. Let me next appointment in. I’m starving.” “I’ll get you something.” “Thank you Heather! I don’t know what I’d do without you.” “You’re welcome Erin.” She smiled at me. Differently. I could see a twinkle in her eye. No she couldn’t be into me. Or can she? 

           Heather and I went out that evening. I do not usually associate with co-workers outside of work but to my surprise I actually enjoyed Heather’s company. I hadn’t laughed in so long. It was such a relief to find someone who I had so much in common with. 

           “It is good to see you laugh. I know you are strong and all but really Hun you need to get out more and have fun. It’s been a year since Mary passed away. Maybe you should think about dating again.” “Why do you want to date me then?” I said laughing. She looked at me. “I would love to.” I stopped and put my glass of wine down. I didn’t speak after that. I didn’t know what to think. “I’ve had feelings for you ever since we first met. Ever since I started working for you.” I finished up my wine. My heart began racing. For two years she never said anything or even winked at me. She knew I was married and she respected that. I thought I knew her. “I’m sorry I should go.” I heard the panic in my voice. She heard it to. “Erin? Please.” She reached out her hand but I pulled away. “No. I need to go.” “Well let me at least drop you home.” I shook my head and left. I’m not sure what she would say. I paid the bill when she was in the washroom. Really? That is all that comes to my mind after someone told me they loved me. Wow Erin. Wow. 

           The moment I came home I jumped into the shower, got in my pyjamas and sat in front of the television. I had to forget. I just feel completely lost. I looked up and let myself drift away in thought. I missed Mary more than ever. I took down a lot of the pictures we took together. Seeing her face around the house just brought on too many memories. They were good memories we had an amazing relationship and I am very grateful to her about everything. But seeing her face everywhere was too much for me. I just could not seem to get over her. And now that I sit here reminiscing on what Heather said to me I had sudden wave of guilt. I really should not feel this way. My phone kept going off. I looked at saw so many text messages from Heather.

"Erin? Did I scare you?"

"Message me please. Just want to make sure you're okay"

"Erin?”

“I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I just had to tell you that I love you and I always will."

           I picked up my phone and called her. I hate texting. I always find that any message you send can always be misconstrued. And I am horrible at texting.

           "Hi Heather." "Erin? Are you okay? You didn't message me back I got worried." "I know I am sorry. I just needed space. All of this is weird. I'm sorry for my reaction. I just feel -" "No, it's me. I can tell you just aren't over Mary. Anyone who sees the two of you will realise how special your relationship was. Anyway, if you want me to leave I can. I actually got three job offers from other offices." "Yes perhaps that'll be best. Come to think of it I always had a policy of not dating co-workers." Silence. I could not believe I just said that. I always thought I had feelings for Dina. I always thought it was her that I was falling for her. I suppose I did not realise that it was really Heather that has really captivated me. “So? Does this mean we’re dating?” “Just come over Heather. I don’t want to be alone.” We continued to talk for a bit and at last she came over a couple of hours later and brought a bottle of Chardonnay.

“Okay Heather, I must admit you have impeccable taste.” She smiled and for a moment I thought she winked at me but I just shook it off. I must be imagining things again. “Why thank you. My dad is a bit of a wine buff. Grew up with random knowledge about wine.” She said laughing. I smiled and showed her in. I knew I had brushed off her smiles and so forth but I noticed it again and again. It wasn’t so much a wink but -I cannot think of the word to describe it. It was as though as eyes were smiling at me. As though she was baffled by me. Me? Could someone actually be taken in by me? Heather is intelligent and without a doubt utterly beautiful. I love her hair. She has such natural red curls I almost wish I could run my hands through it.

“She was younger than me, but only by a couple of years. She didn’t look her age.” “O! I just realised! It’s your birthday!” “O no Heather it’s okay.” “No! It isn’t okay. You need a cake my dear!” She said laughing. “Get your coat on. We’re going to bakery just down the street. You’ll love it!” “I’m guess I do not have a say in this.” She shook her head. I smiled. I changed and grabbed my coat. Heather was looking at me. I stood there stupidly as gazed at me. “You always look so incredibly beautiful. Every day you are so well put together. You have such class and style.” “And you have the most incredible eyes I’ve ever seen. And your hair –“ “What about my hair.” “I’ve always loved your curls.” “Come here Erin.” I walked up to her. I let her draw me close to her. We kissed. Again and again we kissed. “Shall we go the bakery?” I asked. “Yes we should. They close in half an hour. Come here beautiful. Let me spoil you.”