"Darling I love you" By Joy Rajan

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I'm not quite sure what to write at the moment. It has been so long since I have actually put aside time for myself. So I suppose that is the reason why I am sitting here in front of my computer staring at my computer screen and writing whatever comes to my mind. I realise now that I have been too alone for too long. Yes I know I have parents and siblings. I am the youngest in my family. But even with people around you, you can still feel alone. 

I get reminded often to get married, settle down and have a family of my own. The only issue with that is, they want me to marry a man. Yes. Even till now, after five years of coming out to them they are still insistent that my coming out was just a phase. 

I know I probably shouldn't let their opinions sway me nor should I let it stop me from dating. But I have. I don't bother. I long to find someone. Even to go on a date. I haven't been on one ever. I have met women whom I found attractive. I think, if I was not mistaken, they had somewhat of an attraction towards me however miniscule. I need a break from all this. Maybe I'll just go for a walk and make my way to a nearby coffee shop.

And I did just that.

I found a quiet area in the corner. I am relieved (to an extent) that my family decided to move closer to Vancouver. We were living in the suburbs earlier and I always felt isolated and cut off from my friends. I had to commute downtown for a few hours just so I could go to my support group. And the commute there and back took my entire day. I found it draining, which defeated the point of my support group. I opened a random book I picked from my bookshelf and began reading. 

"Pride and Prejudice?" I looked up to see one of the baristas smiling at me. She was wiping a nearby table. I nodded. "Is it your favourite? It's mine." Her accent. Where is she from? "Yes it is my favourite novel. It's one of the few books I can read over and over again and not tire of it." "Same. Sorry, not be rude but your accent." "O! I'm from the UK. Northern part. I know I get asked a lot." I smiled back. "Have you been working here long?" "At this cafe? Yes. Paying my way for nursing. Probably why you haven't seen me around. My hours are all over the place. I did my nursing already, just thought I'd make extra cash to upgrade. I have to get back. Won't keep you from you book. Nice chatting with you." "Likewise," I said not realising I was blushing. 

She noticed and gave me a huge grin. Was she flirting with me. I wasn't sure. I went back to reading and ignored her as best as I could. Though I couldn't help but glance her way and she noticed -it was as though she had sensed I was looking at her. I was trying so hard to come across as being desperate, but I think I was failing miserable. I'm not smooth at all. This is so pathetic. I wanted so badly to just up and leave and maybe this awkwardness with disperse. Perhaps if I left I wouldn't feel so nervous. I loved and hated this feeling. What made it worse was when she caught me glancing her way she'd give me that warm smile. I thought for a moment I saw a sparkle in the corner of her eye. I had to relax.

I reached into my bag and got out my phone and selected a random playlist. I had to drown myself in music. That would help. Wrong. Bria Skonberg's Curious Game played. At least I had headphones. Headphones! No! I forgot them. I stopped the music but it was too late she heard me.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to disturb anyone." She laughed. "There's no one here except us to disturb. You're adorable. Did you want to go out with me?" I froze. What am I suppose to do? Do I say yes. What will my family say? O wait do they have to know. "Are you out to your family." I nodded. "But," I started, "they aren't accepting. It's been five years now and they still think it was a face." "O right," she said nodding. She wasn't mocking me. It was though she understood. "I know what that was like. My coming out split my family. My dad told me I had to go to conversion camp or get kicked out of the family. My mom told him to piss off and took my brother and I and we moved here to Canada. 

"I do miss the UK. My mates and just people I knew in my town. But that's okay. Life overall is better here. What about yourself? There isn't much else to my story. It actually worked out all right for me. O, yea I got to leave behind my ex. That was a nightmare. Not very good. O look at me rambling on. I didn't give you much of a chance to talk. I'll stop now." 

"That's okay. I rather enjoyed listening to you. You didn't have to stop." I froze. I couldn't believe I said that out loud. She laughed and said I was adorable and she kissed me softly on the lips. I was in heaven for a moment. I felt a strange rush come over me. I felt warm and at peace but excited and confused simultaneously. 

We had dinner that same day at sushi restaurant nearby. It was awesome that she lived in the neighbourhood. The two of us could head out. It was tough though trying to find time to have a date. Her schedule was sporadic. I was relieved when she told me she wasn't isn't interested in meeting my family. I did tell her as much as I could about them and about my life. I didn't find it fascinating. I basically spent my entire life here. 

"Really you didn't have a lot of friends?" I shook my head. "That's a shame." "I was a loner kid. I spent most of my time alone with books and listening to my CD player. Ha! I remember when I got my first iPod. That was the excitement of the century." "Still though Jasmine, that's too bad you had to stay on your own." "It's okay Sophie. I made it out okay. Survived. "How was school for you in England?" "I was a nerd." She laughed. "I hung out with nerds and we talked a lot about chemistry and biology. You had books -I did science books and a microscope. My brother had a telescope. He was into astronomy. I'll show you pictures. We've been dating now for two months. If you feel comfortable you could come over. Perhaps when my mom's not home. Up to you. No pressure. I know this is your first relationship." "I'd love to meet your mom." Sophie smiled.

I watched her sweet gentle face. She had a way of making you feel at ease with yourself. She was honest and well blunt. But not rude. 

I did muster up the courage and go over to her place for dinner. I met her brother Peter, her mother, Olivia. She showed me around her place. And to my surprise her record collection and her piano. Like me she loved Jazz. I asked her if she'd like to come with me one day to a live Jazz performance. She said yes. So I surprised her to tickets to Orpheum Theatre, a Jazz night with the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra. She was ecstatic. 

"This is such a wonderful night. Thank you. What is it with you Jas. You always know how to brighten my day. O good news! School is done. I get to go back to work. So at least I'll know ahead of time what my schedule will be, so we wouldn't have to struggle so much with trying to spend time together. I'll see if I can at least set aside one day a week just for us." "I'd love that." "Yea? I get the feeling that you fancy me." I laughed. "I do. Very much." "O really. When then I'm going to have to see you more often then." She winked at me. I felt like a giddy school girl. 

I couldn't help but wonder if this will all end. If something awful will happen and I'd wake up and realise it was all a bad dream.

  Well two years had passed. Sophie and I got married and I finally had a my dream come true. She stuck by me when I told my family about us. They were livid.

"Two women can't get married Jas. You know this! Why are you shaming us like this? It's just a phase. Your father and I told you we can get you help." "HELP? I don't need help Mom." I yelled back. "You don't understand. This is pointless. I already told you that this is who I am and no it isn't a phase. And yes two women can get married. I'm marrying Sophie." I looked over at my dad who had been quiet this entire time. I was the most awful dinner we had ever had. "Darling this isn't a real wedding. Your mother and I won't accept this or allow it." "I don't need your permission. I'm an adult. And you don't have to be at my wedding. I'm not asking for your permission. I'm here for your blessing. I'm telling you Sophie and I are getting married. She asked me and I said yes and that is final." 

I left and didn't speak to them. Even my siblings didn't reach out to me. I couldn't be bothered. I was furious. I didn't have enough energy to spend on their stupidity and unwillingness to accept me. 

And our day came. Sophie stood in front of me looking absolutely beautiful. I was there alone. I had quite a few of my friends there supporting me on my big day. But no one was there to walk me down the aisle. I had to do so on my own. I suppose it was symbolic, ending the last day of me walking on my own. I could not stop crying, overjoyed, watching as Sophie was walking towards me with her dad beside her. I wished my dad was with me. I looked up to him growing up. I was his champion. I always went to him whenever something was wrong or if I ever needed anything. He was always there for me. And when I need him now he's not here. I could see the look on Sophie's eyes. She could sense my pain. She looked at her dad and then at me. Her dad now sensed it. 

He put Sophies hands in mine and said softly to me. "I know your dad isn't here Jas. But I hope today you realise that you gain a father in me." He kissed me on my forehead and stepped aside. I couldn't control myself. Sophie and I exchanged our vows and we both said our 'I dos'. And she said the sweetest words to me when we drew our ceremony to a close, "Darling I love you." I've always dreamt to hear that from a woman. The first time she said it to me was when I took her to the Jazz performance. She whispered it in my ear after she kissed me. Really kissed me. I knew then we were meant to be. 

The phone rang. I rolled out of bed. It was my sister. "Dad's in the hospital. He wants to see you. It isn't good." She hung up the phone. I could hear in her voice how she was struggling not to cry. 

"What's wrong Jas?" "My dad's in the hospital." "We should go." I nodded. I looked at the clock it was four in the morning. Sophie agreed to drive. I was worried. Anxious. Afraid. I didn't know what to think. 

My sister texted me my dad's room number. It turns out he was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. I came into his room and sat beside his bed. Sophie waited by the door. He signalled her to come closer. 

"This is it. My last night. I just know it is. Take care of my Jasmine, Sophie. I don't understand your relationship. I don't agree with it. But you make my daughter happy and in the end that is what matters. You're a good person. Jas? I'm sorry. I've wanted to reach out to you, but your mother stopped me each time. You're my champion. Do the thing." "Dad? I was two." "Please?" I raised my hands above my head. "I'm your champion." I said out loud. He chuckled. "O Jas. You haven't changed. You are still that adorable cheeky two year old. Don't change, my darling Jas. Stay this sweet lovely woman. I can only say I'm sorry. Your mother is something else. You know her. She has an iron will. Try to talk to her. I know our family is stupid, crazy, and frustrating. But in her own way she loves us. And so does your sister. Forget your brother. He's an idiot." "Dad?" "Don't. It's okay. I'm the one at fault." I looked at him. He was so different. Weak yes, but strong. He was humble. Strangely at peace. "I love Dad." We embraced and he whispered in my ear, "My darling I love you." And with that he was gone. 

Sophie and I left right after. My sister texted me saying that she and Mom were coming and that I shouldn't be there. I was relieved that my mother was okay with Sophie and I asked to be at his funeral. She didn't speak to us. I just received a nod of acknowledgment. I kept my father's promise. I wrote to her. She was old fashioned. She liked letters. So I wrote. Even simple ones just saying how I was doing. I didn't say much about Sophie. I kept letters about her and what we did to a minimum knowing how she was about our relationship. To her my marriage wasn't real. It's been four years till my dad passed away. She didn't write back. I kept writing to her. At first once a week. Then I'd write once in two weeks and now on a monthly basis. 

I honestly wanted to stop but it was at Sophie's insistence that I kept writing. When at last after five years she wrote back.

Dear Jas

I do read your letters. I am glad that you are well. I noticed you don't write much about your wife. I suppose that is because you didn't want to upset me. I don't know if that is a good thing. Either way I appreciate that you keep writing to me. Can we meet for coffee. And please bring Sophie. I think it's time I met her. Your father always insisted that I talk to you. And I'm sorry that it has taken this long. 

Love you

Your mom

We met a week later for coffee. And yes Sophie came. She was nervous. I was nervous. I wasn't sure how it'll be like. But it went well. My mother was civil. Which after all that she had said to me I suppose I couldn't expect much. I could tell it was hard for her. But she did make the effort and I appreciated it. 

"Don't be a stranger Jas. We all three should meet again. I'll let you know. Give me time. I won't lie, I'm fulfilling a promise I made your father. But I am not beginning to see that he was right. It isn't our job as parents to judge our children but to love them. And your father and I haven't loved you the way you deserve to be. I'm sorry Darling for that."  We embraced. And sure enough she and I would meet for coffee once a month. Sophie would join us when she could. 

I went home one night after having coffee with my mom. Sophie had just gotten home from a long day of work. I went into the shower. She joined me. We embraced under the warm water of the shower. I kissed her and said, "Darling I love you." 

End.