"You'll find a nice man" By Joy Rajan

     "Who knows you will find a nice man one day and get married. You say you won't get married. Just like your Aunty Lynn. But you'll change your mind. That's what your dad and I pray for you every day." 

I looked at her straight in the eye and shook my head. I was no longer surprised by their continual denial. In fact more than anything I found it irritating. I just don't understand why they can't just let it go. I already came out to them over five years ago and they still keep insisting that it never happened. I didn't engage in her conversation. I just kept quiet and ate my dinner. It was a lovely nice. For two weeks now I was craving Fettuccine Alfredo. I suppose I could have made it myself but to be frank I was just too lazy. So here we are (my mom and I) eating out at White Spot. It is Family Day. 

I try to be strong and not let their words hurt me. But it does. I just feel like my dreams of finding someone, even to date was just that a dream. Was there any point hoping that I could marry a woman. A lot of my friends and acquaintances told me to move out and cut myself off my family. I tried to do that.

It has been three years since my family found out about Samantha and I. We tried our best to keep our relationship a secret from my family and from hers as well but well the inevitable happened. For the longest time I couldn't understand why she kept our relationship of two years from her family. They were accepting. From what I could tell they liked me. I was over often but we kept it strictly platonic. She kept insisting we were just friends and I was not her type but her siblings could see otherwise. 

I was quite surprised that they were not upset by our deception. 

"Why do we have to keep us from your family?" "Because they'll get involved. And knowing that yours isn't will just make things worse. I know my dad. He'll get defensive over us. And we've only been together a short time. We've been friends for a year and there wasn't anything serious so it didn't seem right putting you in that spot with your family when you live with them." 

"True. Though for me it was love at first sight." Sam looked at me. "What? Why didn't you say anything?" "I didn't think you'd ever want to be with me. I have no idea. I just honestly thought you were out my league and that you were into Femme girls. And just look at me. What can I offer you?" "O Joy! You're an idiot. You've given me more than you could ever know. I guess it is partially my fault. I should have told you how I felt about you and how much I appreciated you. Truth be told I could never tell what was going on in that beautiful head of yours. You have taught me so much. Cliche as it may be, you've honestly shown me how to be a better person. A better me. And that is such a beautiful gift. O my dearest Joy, you're a gem of a person." She kissed me and I felt myself floating. It was different that day. We've kissed before, numerous times, but that day was different. I think it was then we realised how much we truly loved each other.

I've only ever dreamt of a kiss like that. I longed so much to be in love and come home to someone who would see me for me and accept me -flaws and all. Growing up I never felt like I could measure up to anyone. I had to compete with my sisters. They took off in life -both in their careers and their marriage life and then there was me who kept getting stuck in the same loop and never getting ahead. I felt every time I would jump ahead I was really going backwards. Even coming out made me feel like I had really fallen back. I was a complete disappointment to a lot of people in my life. I shattered my parents' dreams and broke their trust. All because I kissed a girl in school (well she kissed me) and my sister saw us and told my parents. I had to go to church and to prayer meetings. Every one in church reached out to help me. I went to counselling. Ironically after being in counselling I realised that it was the broken and unhealthy relationship of my parents that led me to feel to unsuccessful and trapped. My counsellor avoided my "homosexual desires" and focused on the dysfunction that was my family. As though it was a mode of existence that neither of us could live without. Odd yes, but not uncommon.

I met Sam in University. Our paths crossed a few times but we didn't strike up a friendship till about third year. Her ex was the jealous type. They were together since high school -so a total of seven years till she had enough of her negativity and controlling insecurities. 

I first saw her in my English Literature classes. She took my breath away. I had never even thought I'd meet someone who mesmerised me the way she did. I wanted to tell her but what could I say. It wasn't till a few weeks later I mustered the courage to approach her only to find her in the arms of her then girlfriend. I felt my heart break. But I recall thinking that it was good in away. After all my mother kept reminding me that I will indeed find a nice man one day and settle down with him. That wasn't her only constant reminder -excelling in school was another daunting cloud of expectations that loomed above my head. I always knew I was gay but to my dismay I had to remain in the closet. There was no way I could break free. 

I always saw the grown up me locking away the real me embodied in an innocent young girl in a jail sell in the lowest dungeons. She'd cry for help, relentlessly begging to be set free and to live. But I look at her with no remorse no guilt and threw away the key. Walking away I felt I could never yield to the temptations. Being gay was a sin. The so called love between two women were falsified - a perversion of true love. It was a stain on the purity of my being one that would grow and manifest as a cancer. I had to break free of it. 

Over time I realised the cancer wasn't being gay -it was the hatred of myself and of anyone who dared to be different. The sin was hate not of being. I was taught not to discover and love oneself. But what is that? How can you profess to love God who is love himself and hate yourself. He made you. It took years for me to come to terms with that. 

And my friendship with Sam really broke me from this feeling that I could never be whole again. She taught me that it should not matter what my parents' expectations were of me. What mattered most was that I continued to grow and become more and more like me. Self discovery is a beautiful thing -a painful process -but a gift. 

So will I find a nice man? No. I don't need one. I have me. When Sam kissed me that day with that kiss I felt that jail shatter and the little girl broke free from that awful tower. I could smile again. I could breathe again.

Until our families found out about us and I was forced to pack my bags and live with my sister in France. She was just like mom. Every day going on and on about how I will find a nice man one day and that was what real marriage. I looked at her as though she was a complete moron. She had a PhD in Chemistry and who knows what other degrees and still all I could think was how stupid she was. To me marriage is sacred -but it was alway between two hearts -two souls who truly loved each other and wanted to become one. 

I told Sam before we left, "I will never stop loving you. I will never forget you. Please if you find someone who loves you more than I do be with her. I don't want you to be alone. You deserve the best life has to give you." She cried in my arms. "I can't. I can't." I kissed her and we parted. I hated seeing her cry. When she cried I cried along with her. 

Every time I closed my eyes, deep down I knew she was thinking about me. I could tell she was dreaming about me. We had a special connection. We became best friends. She was and is my every thing. And now she's gone. Over time I honestly felt like this was the end. I will never find love. I guess that was my life. Every one else around me could get married and start their own lives. But not me. I looked at myself in the mirror and it dawned on me -the only woman who will ever love and whom I have is the one I see in the mirror every day. She's the one for me. I don't need to find a man. I have me.

Two years passed. My sister had helped me get into a nearby school. I studied French and French literature. I came back and completed my masters degree and began teaching. 

Sam's mom reached out to me one day. Sam was ill. When I got to the hospital I found she had a tumour and only had a few weeks left. I stayed with her. I lied and told my parents that I needed a two week break after having complete my studies and packed my bags and went to the hospital.I took a break from my family -shut my phone off -didn't tell them where I was and I stayed in the hospital. To my relief there was a hotel across the street from the hospital. 

My heart leapt when she told me that she hadn't found anyone. She was waiting for me. But it hurt when I realised it was killing her having to live without me. Her body had enough and now all that loneliness and agony was eating up inside her in the form of this tumour. 

I never forgot that moment she opened her eyes and saw me looking at her. She cried tears of joy. I got in the bed with her. Her mother knew of a judge who agreed to marry us on such short notice. Even the nurses agreed to help. They help decorate Sam's room with flowers -as best as they could. Sam and I were so touched by their efforts. 

I never thought that this day would come. I was married to my best friend -to the love of my life. We both dressed our best that day and took pictures. She wanted to wear I wig. I told her not to. She was perfect as she was. 

We awoke the next morning. She whispered I love you and she was gone. 

Two weeks later was her funeral. I had to say good bye to her again. I could not stop crying. Over and over again I could feel the agony. We had been married for two weeks but it felt like a lifetime. She lived inside of me. I could always see her when I closed my eyes and I could hear her beautiful voice. She would always hold me and sing me to sleep. She had the voice of an angel. She was my angel. When she said "I love you" I could hear God's voice echoing the same words.

Now here I am with my mom in White Spot. No one knew of what I had been through except for Sam's family. They will never know. I felt sad. Here they were still going on about how I will find a nice man but they do not know me. Maybe one day they will. They never asked me about my necklace. I had a jeweller weld both our wedding rings into one and a cross pendant in the middle. Inside the rings were our engravings to one another. 

"I still think Joy you should not give up. You will find a nice man and get married. You're a beautiful young woman. O we should go. Your dad is waiting for us." I paid the bill and we left. I guess this my life then. I wiped the tears from eyes with my t-shirt as I finished typing up this story. Who knows many I will find someone and get married. But it won't be a man. Sam did tell me that she knew deep down I was not meant to be alone. I believed her. I still do. There is someone special out there. Perhaps I won't meet her this year but she's out there. 

My family may believe that I'll find a nice man one day and that marriage is just between a man and a woman -may you believe that. But after being with Sam, I realised that love manifests in many forms -in many a person and a lot of times we may not realise or understand it. But that's life, that's love -and it's a beautiful thing. It's a gift. 

"You'll find a nice man." No. "I'll find a wonderful woman." Yes. I will find love again.