"Locked in" By Joy Rajan

Locked in and unable to breathe. I feel the growing pain of being unable to break free. This global outbreak brings out the worst in us. As my birthday draws nearer the realisation of my loneliness becomes more real. 

I watch the news and read the news. People dying. People suffering. I can only be grateful that I am still working, still healthy. But emotionally? That is a different story. At least it is the weekend. 

I try my best to go about my day, cleaning, exercising, and staying busy so as not to feel the nag of isolation. What else can one do? I can only hope more and more people would do their part and stay home. It'll be months before all of this will be over. A long, possible six months. Maybe even longer. Who knows really.

Sunday came around. I was so grateful to my church to doing service live. I logged into the zoom meeting and waited for it to start. We had catch up time and a new face signed in. At first she was on audio but her voice was unforgettable. It was sweet like a melody. I waited, hoping that she would come on video. And at last she did. I froze. She's gorgeous. I could not help but stare at her beautiful face. I felt like a bit of a creep. Thankfully on zoom no one really knows who you are looking at. 

We introduced ourselves and our pronouns. Hearing her share was touching on so many levels. Her story was a lot like me. We both had non-affirming and non-accepting families. I had sincerely hoped she and I would have a chance to talk. Just talk. Ok I won't deny it -as cliche as all this I think I've fallen for her. 

It's been years since I've dated. I was fortunate to have good people in my life. I didn't have any bad relationships -we just weren't a good match. A lot of my friends thought that Samantha and I were a good match -but we were just good friends -soulmates but platonic soulmates. She and I still keep enough. We may not be as close as we were before that kiss but we're still on amicable terms.

"Thank you Cam for sharing. So before we start the service....O! We haven't heard from you from Em. How's it going with your family? I know you don't have support at home but..." I unmuted myself and began, "No it's been okay. My parents and I agreed that we don't talk about anything LGBT + and we respect each others' space. I just spend a lot of time with my guitar, reading, my usual hobbies." "Awesome!" "Before more people join in. Are there any prayer requests?" I shook my head and looked up to see Cam's face. I thought I saw a sparkle on her face. 

The service went on and to my dismay she had to leave early. I couldn't get a chance to speak to her. 

My pastor announced another meet up during the week. Along with movie night. I joined in. And yes I had hoped she'd be on there. She wasn't. The following Sunday I didn't see either. But I did get a random message on my Facebook. It was her. I could tell she meant to message someone else. She wrote. 

Hey. Sorry I was vague and didn't spend that much time at the service. I was going through a lot and didn't feel overly comfortable. I didn't feel like anyone was being mean or anything. In fact I felt very welcomed. And hearing Em's story and how it relates to mine was actually very comforting. I was hoping you could tell her thank you for sharing. She has a lovely voice. READING voice. <Embarrassed emoji >....

 I blushed and relied back

Cam. I think you messaged me in error instead of Brandon. But I'm glad that I could help in any way. You're welcome to message me if you need someone to talk to. Take care and stay safe.

She replied back

Okay I am even more embarrassed. I don't know what I did. Yes sorry you weren't suppose to see that message. But in a way I am glad you did. And yes I'll take you up on that offer. Face Time date?

Date? I thought to myself. This woman is amazing.

Yes. Here's my number.

I expected her to get back to me in O I don't know a few days. No she messaged me and we had a coffee date over Face Time. And it didn't stop there. We kept in touch over the next while. She even followed my on my Instagram. In fact she sent me encouraging messages to continue with my guitar and take it seriously. So I did. 

    

I searched and found that same awesome guitarist I met years ago at the Guitar Festival. I signed up with him and we began our lessons.

"Hey You! How's it going?" "Great! Look I got myself a sweet deal on this guitar. All set up and ready to go. So glad my local music store is up and running -just doing curb side service. It was a demo model but it's brand new and well my lessons are going great." "How have you been? I know you said not to talk about work but I wanted to know." "It's okay Em. Work's stressful. Doing what we can really. I'm not sure I told you but I upgraded my certification and now I am an intensive care nurse at St Paul's. It's overwhelming. Can you play for me?" 

I did. And I continued to do so when she fell ill. Every day I played for her when she became a patient. I dreaded the day when I would not hear from her. Every day when she answered my text or my Face Time video call was a gift. But deep down I had a nagging pain that she would not pull through. She was getting worse. But to me she looked even more beautiful each day.

I studied music and studied music composition and wrote her a song "Camila my beautiful flower." I practised it for hours and I finally mustered the courage to play it for her. She cried and smiled and laughed so much. And that was the last time I heard from her. 

I stopped calling. I stopped texting. I just picked up guitar and played. The song I wrote got many views. A lot of people were moved. That gave me joy. Music gave me joy. When I played I felt as if she was there. When I played I could hear her beautiful voice and see her beautiful smile. 

So yes here I am alone again with no one to talk to, no one to hold my hand. So I play though I am  locked in.