She's Just A Dream By Joy Rajan

                                                                           She's Just A Dream 

By Joy Rajan


I decided to stay single. Frankly got fed up. I proceeded to deleting my dating app profile. There was no need to get hopeful. I have been on my dates and all my dates have been adamant in me not being what they were looking for. 


Meme popped up on my Facebook page. "I am single. You have to be awesome to change that." I rolled my eyes. Awesome does not exist. I thought to myself. Well at least not an awesome that would appear in my life. 


I've glanced at so many people's stories. How they have struggled but in the end married their soulmate -their one true love. O and yes the same message: It can happen to you! Have hope. Hope? I've dreamt on finding Her. Being in love -loving her wholeheartedly and having her love in return. But whoever She is, she only exists in my dreams or in my stores. No idea why I keep writing. O right. My publisher. Another deadline. Sigh. 


My friends kept nagging me to go to Pride. I stopped going. I've gone the first few years after coming out. I was younger then. Had long her. Really in shape and would religiously attend the gym. Now, I would not dare step foot in one. I spend my days writing, reading, diving into one musical piece after another and drowning myself in my guitar. 


"Come on! Let's go to Pride. I'll buy you Sushi." I looked up to see my friends beaming faces. Really it comes to bribery? I gave in. It's sushi. And my friend Sarah knows the best restaurants to eat at. 


I thought we were just having sushi? Why are we had a jazz club? Well at least I dressed up a bit. I hate being out. Rather be at home on my own. People annoy me.


I started at the ground. My friends ignore me and continued chatting and laughing amongst themselves. I was about to leave when I hear her voice. I looked up. My eyes glued onto her face. I watched entranced as she sang. Her accent would come through ever so slightly. She's Irish. I caught her gaze -she had stars in her eyes. I gazed stupidly at her. I noticed someone watching me -but I didn't care. Ever since that night -I'd come whenever she sang. I found out she's the owner's daughter. And her name's Laoise. 


"You come a lot." "She's great. You have amazing musicians." He looked at me at smiled. "It's inspiring." "Good. I didn't get your name..." "Layla." "Well Layla. I have reserved this booth for you. You are welcome to come and work any time. Come on Tuesday -we have Irish music." "O! I would love that. Thank you." "O and my daughter's single." He winked at me and walked away. I laughed. 


I made my way home and saw her walking past me. I collected myself and walked calmly. "You were wonderful last night." "O?" She asked partly startled and a detected a hint of skepticism. "Yes. Your rendition of Autumn Leaves was by far the best I've heard." I heard her sigh. I presumed she received a lot of disrespectful comments. Perhaps I should take more care in how I word things. She doesn't seem like someone who trusts so readily -especially not in someone's intensions. She said thank you, smiled slight and left. My heart sank. Not because I felt rejected -but I somehow I could feel her hurting. Not sure what happened but she's closed herself off to everyone. As though she won't let anyone in. Like me. I'm working on it. I just don't let anyone in. They have to earn it. 


"You come here often?" She asked me one night. "It's a great place. The music is great. Your father encourages me to come every day but I only come when I can and when there's live music. Not one for crowds so this is perfect." I smiled gently. She nodded and walked away. Later that evening as I was about to leave she came to apologised to me. "For what?" "Being rude." I shook my head, "You weren't. No need to apologise." I nodded and was about to take my leave when she reached out and touched me arm. I felt a rush through my body. My heartbeat took off. I looked up her. She glowed like an angel. O if only she could see me. "Thank you." She said smiling. I smiled back and left not looking back.


What a dream. She smiled at me. I felt a tear rolled down my cheek. But that is all it will ever be a dream. I fell asleep.


I kept going but she hadn't been there. I asked and apparently she was just taking stress leave from her job. She was a doctor. 


I kept to my usual routine. Coming in on slower nights but I will never forget her. Even with the sadness in her eyes she was absolutely stunning. She was just a dream. And dreams don't always come true.


Fin.

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