A Cure Part 1 By Joy Rajan

                                                                            A Cure Part 1

By Joy Rajan



February 6

Dear Diary


I suppose I can only conclude that like asthma being gay isn’t curable. I hear a voice on one side saying it can through persistent prayer and the other side saying there is nothing to cure. 


So I’m lost. 


I dream every night and during the day of meeting a kind genteel woman. I’d imagine her to be understanding of me and to be a wonderful listener. I am not selfish -by any means. She need not have all the money in the world nor be a super model of any kind. Just a good person. And of course it goes both ways. 


How I’d love to cuddle with her on the couch as we watch a movie and I’d massage her feet and O to hear her say “I love you Beautiful” will only melt my heart. How I’m crying now! What a gift to have such pure and true love.


But what can I do really? I’m stuck. Yes I know -You live at home….get a better job -move out. But where will I go? I have no where to go. I have tried to live on my own -I just ended up being even more worn out and in debt. Not to mention how much my health deteriorated. No. Not every again will I put myself in that situation. 


You’re probably already fed up with me. I’m not wallowing away in self pity. And I have gone out on dates -yes online and Meetup groups etc. But so far nothing. I can’t find anyone who’s honest. Especially not online dating. It’s amazing the lengths people go through to sell themselves online. 


Maybe I’m trying too hard. Some of my friends say I shouldn’t bother and to let things happen naturally. I suppose all I can do is live one day at a time. Who knows maybe I’ll bump into her in the line up at my nearby grocery store. Sounds a bit cliche doesn’t it?


You’ve probably heard this a lot. I doubt my story isn’t much different from a lot of people. But I grew up as a pastor’s kid and shocker found out I was gay in a Christian school. O that irony. 


I still can’t stop thinking about Jennifer. We were in the same dorm room. Yes we kissed. She dragged me out a school dance. I wasn’t much of a dancer. I doubt I had much rhythm. But with her it was different. She was amazing. Anyway, our time together lasted the school year. She transferred to another university. And no she didn’t keep in touch. If anything I had a feeling she was ousted. She wasn’t the only one though. A few students were ousted as well. I believe she was outed privately while the other ones more publicly. They transferred to other universities. Well what to do really -when you attend a conservative Evangelical Christian school based on eradicating the LGBTQIA2S+ community.


A crap I’m out of toothpaste.


Got to go.


  


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